Friday, June 09, 2006

"Sole Survivor"

Have you ever had one of those days were you just wanted to take off a shoe and hit someone in the back of the head with it?

I mean for an actual reason.

I’m walking in to Target today past a vanguard of homeless people when I hear from the couple in front of me, “Boy our homeless people are so much better than the homeless people in New York.”

Uh huh….

Where’s my shoe?

What should we do? Alert the Chamber of Commerce?

“Come to San Diego, we’re not only America’s finest city we have America’s finest homeless.”

“Our homeless are bilingual.”

“Hold a homeless person from San Diego up to your ear and you can hear the sound of the ocean.”


The second shoe smacking idiot I encountered today was the assistant pharmacist at Vons.

A few months ago a group of Nazi’s passed a law that keeps me from buying Claritin-D without submitting myself to a strip search.

No longer can you buy Sudafed, Claritin – D or any other decongestant without feeling like a criminal.


Because apparently drug dealers/users are making methamphetamines out of Claritin – D.
Hey I’m all for curbing substance abuse, as long as I’m not inconvenienced in any way. Why? Because I’m not a stupid enough asshole to do crystal meth. I just want to be able to breath.

Here’s the kicker.

Attila the assistant pharmacist said I could not buy anymore Claritin- D because I had exceeded the monthly dosage allowed by the government.

So I asked her how, if I only took one pill every 24 hours, and there are 10 pills in a pack, was it possible for me to exceed my allowable limit?

Her answer.

“Just go down the street and buy it at Walgreen’s.”

Hit her with a shoe.

So we have a law that allows you to buy the stuff, but not from the same store. Does anyone think that anyone who actually makes methamphetamines from Sudafed has been deterred?


Tuesday was Election Day in California.

Millions…. Okay seven, I think it was seven voters went to the polls to vote for... something and some assholes.

For the first time in 30 years I refused to vote.

Oh I went to the polls. When I got there I felt like burning my ballot in protest.


Because of the following Election Day ad I saw on TV. A deep voice comes on and says:

“My opponent eats the babies of illegal immigrants, and wants to tax Holy Communion at Catholic Churches as a way to pay for abortions. He has been linked to Hurricane Katrina and Al Qaeda, supports Illegal homosexual aliens who want to get married and force us to speak Spanish with a lisp. He has personally endorsed a tax on shoelaces, condoms and gasoline.

So when you go to the polls on Election Day, before you cast your vote, ask yourself this question, who would Jesus vote for?”

Join teachers, police, fire fighters, “consumers” and Jesus in endorsing Congressman Dickhead.”

Well that’s what it sounded like. And then the ad is followed with:

“My name is Congressman Dickhead and I approve this message.”


So you mean… oh… I don’t know… EVERYONE?

When are we going to rise up and hit all these idiots in the back of the head with a collective shoe?

Yes I’m a little bitter today.

Because my last candidate for shoe smacking is myself.

I’m an idiot.

I closed the trunk of my Cadillac on my face.


I was able to use my catlike reflexes to dodge the full brunt of the blow so that I only caught the trunk with... wait for it... my lower lip.

I am now leaving for Las Vegas with “trunk lip”.

“Service Department Please.”

“Yes sir.”

“Service Al speaking.”

“Yes Al... I um... I'm having a problem with my CTS. This is the second time this has happened to me, and I think maybe Cadillac should think of a recall.”

“What does the problem sound like?”

“Well kind of a dull thud followed by a tearing sound actually.”

“It could be your catalytic existential overlay valve circuitry modulator or the trunk smacking you in the face. Why don’t you bring it in and for $399 we can put it through our 3,567 point check up and an oil change.”

Smack smack smack smack smack smack........................................

“Sir what’s that sound?”

“Just a shoe Al, just a shoe.”