Saturday, May 20, 2006


Between now and Tuesday my next grandson will finally be born. It’s my oldest son’s first child and he is a complete basket case.

“Okay, here’s the deal dad. I know babies eat, sleep and poop. That much I’ve got down. But what do you do with a baby when they’re not eating, sleeping or pooping?”

“Well, you could take him to Wal-Mart. A lot of people take babies to Wal-Mart.”

“I’m serious dad. What the hell do I do?”

“Well for the first six or seven years you give him fatherly advice that he doesn’t understand. For the next seven years you give him fatherly advice that he doesn’t listen to, and after that he’s pretty much telling “you” everything.”

“What if I’m not a good dad?”

“Trust me you’ll be a good dad. The most important thing is to not leave him anywhere when you’re supposed to be watching him and remember to let him play outside without a diaper. That way you can just hose him off before he comes into the house. Uh… you might not want your wife to see you if you do that.”

“You hosed us off?”

“Not right away. You we’re at least a year old. You loved it.”

“You can’t hose off my kid dad.”

“Have you ever changed a diaper in your life son?”

“Um… no….”

“Trust me you can hose a kid off. Just don’t use one of those jet spray attachments.”

“They want to strip Kim’s membranes.”

“What has that got to do with hosing off the kid?”

“Nothing, I just keep having these weird random thoughts pop in and out of my head. I think I’m having sympathetic symptoms.”

“Weird random thoughts popping in and out of your head? Yeah that pretty much seems like a pregnant woman to me.”

“What if I screw this up dad?”

“Son you are my first born, the fruit of my loins. You turned out okay and I pretty much winged it. You won’t screw this up and if you do you can always have another kid.”


“Relax Hondo I’m just playing with you.”

“I really nervous about this dad.”

“I know son. But one way or the other he’s coming out by Tuesday and then you just go with the flow son, go with the flow.”

“What if he grows up to be a jerk or an asshole?”

“Well assholes have to come from somewhere son. We’ve all worked for at least one asshole. Where do you think they came from? If he ends up being an asshole I’d be shocked, but if he does you encourage him to be the best asshole he can be.”

“I don’t know if I can handle breast feeding.”

“Uh... son... you don’t um... that’s Kim’s job.”

“I know that, it just freaks me out when women breast feed.”

“It freaks all men out son. It’s an age old conflict. Inside every man are two little voices. One little voice is saying, “WHOOHOO BOOBIES!!!” and the other voice is saying, “Move along, nothing to see here, just a breast feeding.” We can’t help it son. From the dawn of time every man has hoped to glimpse a little booby. Why else would we buy National Geographic?”

“Dad? Dad? Please tell me you’re not going to glimpse Kim’s boobs.”

“Son I can’t do that. But I can tell you that I will only think of her boobs in the breast feeding or National Geographic way.”

“The National Geographic way?”

“Yes son, I will only picture Kim as an African maiden jumping up and down topless with a spear.”

“DAD!!! People are going to be looking at my wife’s boobs.......”

“But look at the bright side. Most of them will be Portuguese or Filipino women so there will be someone around to change diapers, hose him off and possibly make lumpia.”

“What if he hates me?”

“Son, relax, he’s not going to hate you until he’s at least fourteen.”

“Dad I’m a horrible driver, who’s going to teach him how to drive?”

“Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself there son?”

“It’s just... I... there are so many questions... Kim has a million questions for me... I don’t have all the answers.”

“Son, just learn how to stall. Eventually the answers will come to you. That’s what I do with your mother.”


“Just ask her what she wants for dinner. You’ll get forty five minutes at least of, “I don’t know... What do you want for dinner? Well I don’t care... What do you want for dinner?” Trust me you just buy time until you change the subject or figure it out.”

“Dad I just wish he would get here.”

“I know son, we all do. Now let’s go sit in the living room and relax. I just got the new issue of National Geographic.”