Thursday, April 20, 2006

I was almost a hero...... I think.....

As I was walking into Staples this smelly homeless guy goes quickly limping past me and I hear, “STOP HIM!!! HE STOLE AN INK CARTRIDGE!!!!!.”

Then for some unknown reason I turned and ran after him yelling, (get this) STOP THIEF!!!”

Who yells that?

About ten steps into my hero moment a thought hit me, “What do I do when I catch him? Tackle him? He smells.

Then another thought hit me.

“Why would a smelly homeless guy steal an ink cartridge?”

“He has a color printer?”

I slowed down.

“He has a computer?”

An ink cartridge....

I stopped.

I went there to buy an ink cartridge. I’ve bought ink cartridges before and I’ve always thought they were “stealing” from me.

$57.99 for ink?

An ounce of ink?

What are they doing to get this ink?

Milking squid by hand?

Then it clicked. Maybe it wasn’t a homeless guy after all. Maybe he was going to take the ink cartridge to a pawn shop so he could come up with enough money to feed his family for a month so he doesn’t have to go back to prizefighting.

Or maybe he ran out of gas. Those people always come up to me in parking lots with the old car ran out of gas story. Sell an ounce of ink you could almost fill up a Hummer.

Why smuggle marijuana across the border?

Smuggle ink.

You could smuggle it in the intestines of illegal aliens.

In little balloons.

While I was pondering all this the Staples manager came up to me.”

“Why didn’t you catch him?”

“I think I pulled my groin.”

“Well at least he won’t be able to use that ink cartridge. It was inside one of our plastic security boxes.”

“Yeah... He’ll have trouble with that... He’ll probably have to steal a brick or something... Or maybe pick up a rock from the earth... No way is he getting into there...”

Then I thought of the oysters you crack open at Sea World for $12.00 to win a pearl. That ink was worth more than those pearls.

By now that homeless guy was down at the bay floating on his back like an otter with that security box on his stomach trying to crack it open with a clam shell.

I limped back inside Staples with the manager.

“Do I get a reward or something?”

“For what? You didn’t catch him.”

“He was very fast for a smelly guy with a limp, plus I told you I pulled my groin.”

“Here take this.”

“A coupon for three dollars off my next purchase of an ink cartridge?”

“Take two. But you can only use one at a time.”

“Don’t I get a key to the store or something?”

“Do you have a Staples reward card?”


“Ta da!!!!”

“Wake up Tony! Wake up! You’re talking in your sleep again”

“What, who, where......”

“Idiot, you sat up straight in bed and said, “Ta da!!!”

“Ta da?”

“Yes, what in the hell were you dreaming about?”

“Uh... um... sex?”

“Go back to sleep numb nuts.”

“Hey honey?”


“Will you go to Staples tomorrow and buy an ink cartridge for the color printer?”

“It’s three o’clock in the morning why are you worried about ink? And why can’t you buy it yourself?”

“Because the last time I went to Staples I think I pulled my groin.”

“Ouch!! Okay, fine but when I’m homeless and smelly and I'm out on the street begging for ink you remember this night.”