Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Do you know the way to San Jose?

I flew back from San Jose on an airline that rhymes with “Mouthbest”.

This is the airline with the pilots who want to be standup comedians. Maybe it’s just me but I don’t want anybody that happy flying me around at 30,000 feet.

I want tough. I want mean. I want a pilot that will get me there even if his arms have been blown off in a food cart and luggage accident.

I want someone with a will to live no matter how bad his life sucks.

I don’t care how happy they sound because I know they all think the same thing.

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen. My name is Captain Rock Cavern, welcome aboard flight 666. I’ve had a really crappy day so shut up and sit down. If you have a child traveling with you that’s small enough to fit in an overhead compartment please stow that child immediately. As usual we’ve overbooked the flight today so if there are any passengers, who have waited for two hours with 200 other people and screaming children, that would be willing to take a later flight, please let us know now. We will give you a free plane ticket for the next available flight and a $200 travel voucher that you can use to fan yourself with as you’re waiting in the “C” line looking like you were too stupid to print out your boarding pass online. We’ll be flying at approximately six feet today and if someone doesn’t shut that brat up you’ll arrive via submarine in a few short minutes. For you lecherous businessmen the only thing extra you’ll get off of our flight attendants is nuts, especially from Jonathan. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure yellow oxygen masks will fall from overhead. They’re not actually connected to anything but this will give you something to do while we plummet into the ground. In the event of a water landing, which means I’m really drunk, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device so the sharks have more of a “buffet” feel to the event. Thank you for flying Cattle Car Airlines.”

I took my wife with me to San Jose. She has been fighting a terrible sinus and ear infection so we were worried about how the pressure change while flying would affect her ears. She found something called “Ear Planes” which are basically ear plugs that help to equalize the pressure. They worked really well on the way to San Jose.

On the way back however I had a once in a lifetime opportunity I was not going to pass up. My wife and I were at the beginning of the “A” group and scored the emergency exit row seats. That’s right baby! Extra leg room and only two seats so no stranger in the third seat next to us.

I hate that third seat stranger. I hate it when I’m that third seat stranger. “Hi, I’m traveling alone. That’s right, alone. I have no one to go with me on the plane. If the oxygen masks drop please help me because I’m alone.”

I always get the fat smelly guy sitting next to me. I don’t want the last person I hug in the event of a crash to be the fat smelly guy. How come the supermodel never sits next to me? Maybe she thinks I’m the fat smelly guy, to a supermodel everyone looks fat. But I don’t smell.

Come on we all judge who were going to sit next to in case we’re going to die.

Here’s the thing. My wife had these “Ear Planes” in ears and her hair pulled back. Two big blue plugs sticking out of her ears. She sat in her seat and immediately closed her eyes to try and go to sleep before we took off.

Now every passenger is eyeballing us as they go by. I know that look. They were checking out the emergency row passengers to see if we were qualified to open that door in the event of a water landing. Plus they were just plain pissed off that a 4’10” woman had all that leg room.

Then the flight attendant comes over and says that she is required by law to ask if we are willing and able to operate the emergency exit door.

Who says no? I can’t imagine a scenario where the plane has gone down and I just don’t feel like opening the emergency exit and GETTING THE HELL OFF THE PLANE!!!!

After the flight attendant leaves my wife turns to me and says, “What did she say?” And because my wife has “Ear Planes” in her ears she can’t hear herself talk so she says it loud enough for the entire plane to hear her.

We were now officially the most hated people on the airplane.

I immediately start having random conversations with the passengers around us.

“Its okay folks, she’s just wearing a custom “iPod”, she’s not deaf and she’s really strong. Trust me she’s really strong. She’s been kicking my ass for twenty eight years. She boxes and takes Aikido. She’ll get that door open no problemo. I’m just letting her sleep so in case we crash she’ll be at full strength. She’s built Ford tough boy, you do not want to mess with her. She’ll tear that door right off the hinges.”

I did not notice that my wife had removed her “Ear Planes” to hear what I was talking about.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I’m being a responsible airplane passenger.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“People were staring at us.”

“Really? And you don’t think they’re staring at us now?”

“You’re the emergency exit door monitor and you’re falling asleep.”

“Trust me numb nuts if we crash I’ll wake up.”

“You yelled out loud that you couldn’t hear the flight attendant.”


“So you’re in trouble with Homeland Security for lying to an airline employee.”

“I didn’t lie. I couldn’t hear her.”

“No, you nodded yes when she asked if you were willing and able to open the emergency exit door.”

“Well you nodded yes so I just did what you did.”

“But you didn’t know what she said.”

“And if I had heard her, what do you think I would have said?”

“Well… uh… that doesn’t count.”

“Oh it counts.”

“You better hope they don’t have an undercover air marshal on this plane or you’d be busted.”

Fifteen minutes later.

“Nuts sir?”

“No I’m just a little nervous when I fly.”

“I see sir and would you like some nuts?”

“That was a joke you know.”

“Yes sir I hear it all the time.”

“Don’t you find it odd that you may be serving people their last meal and you’re serving nuts? Peanuts? Why peanuts? How come you don’t serve pistachio nuts? Who thought that peanuts were a great last meal airline food snack? Plus how many nuts are you serving? There’s like five nuts in there.”

“Would you like an extra pack of nuts sir?”

“No thanks I’ll just eat my wife’s.”

“Ouch, you’re supposed to be asleep and deaf.”

“Give me my nuts.”


“Now give me your nuts.”


“You know you can’t have those.”

“That could be my last meal.”

“This way it won’t be your last meal. Now breakfast was your last meal. Feel better?”

“I… um… I’m not taking you with me again.”

“Fine, be the third seat stranger.”

“At least I’d have my nuts.”