Monday, April 03, 2006

The agony of da feet.......

Do you ever just sit back and watch?

Watch everything?

My apologies I haven’t written much lately.

I’ve been watching.

Sometimes the world is your own private television show. I’ve noticed there are a lot more commercials in real life, particularly for duct tape.

When I see a woman trying to cram fat feet in those pointy shoes…. wrap them in duct tape. If the shoes burst open… wrap the shoes in duct tape.

I’ve noticed that there are some women with feet shaped like a large box of Kleenex.

A perfect rectangle.

They cram those feet into a size five shoe.

It’s disturbing to see fat squeezing out of a shoe.

It’s more disturbing when you see those shoes and they have buckles and one of the buckles is missing.

I wonder if under the strain one of those buckles shot off and maybe hurt a bird or the mailman.

You can almost hear the shoe scream under the strain.

Anyway you get to a certain point in your life where you notice these things.

My dad once told me that life was too short, you need to “stop and smell the roses”.

I don’t always see roses… I see fat feet everywhere.

What if PMS is really about shoes?

I’ve never noticed a pissed off barefoot woman. Then again I’ve never looked for a pissed off barefoot woman.

What if the key to world peace is chocolate and comfortable shoes?

So many questions…

This shoe thing could never happen to me. The worst thing that might happen to me is that I get to that certain age where it’s mandatory to wear socks with sandals.

My wife made a living will for me that states if I ever try to go out in public with her with socks with sandals she can have me put to sleep.

Women talk a lot about their shoes and they lie about their shoe size. Why is shoe size so important?

I’ve never heard a woman say, “Do these pumps make me look fat?”

Why don’t the shoe people just lie about shoe size? Just label a size nine as a size five. How many lives could be saved?

There are men that lie about their shoe size but for different reasons.

“Yep, size 15EEEE baby. You know what that means heh heh heh……”

It means he’s a liar, an asshole and walks like a duck… or he’s really good at waterskiing.

I’ve never been sitting around with another guy and talked about my feet.

I did spend fifteen minutes yesterday having a discussion with my oldest son about the size of his new dog’s testicles.

We didn’t talk about politics, religion or sports.

We didn’t bash women.

We talked about a dog’s testicles.

We had a serious father son talk about the size of a bull dog’s huevos.

His new bull dog has testicles the size of peas.

But… he has huge paws…

I wonder what dogs would do if they could use duct tape?