Thursday, March 16, 2006

Just a typical family dinner....

I had my two sons, their pregnant wives, my grandson and two pit bulls (one pregnant) over to my house for dinner.

That’s a lot of imbalanced hormones at one dinner table.

And I’m not even including my wife.

I don’t think anyone can argue with me when I say women are a tad nuts when they’re pregnant. What is also true is that men are naturally stupid when it comes to the care and handling of a pregnant woman.

Here is a condensed version of our conversation:

Anthony: “I’m not worried about getting Kim to the hospital on time. It takes what, twenty or thirty hours to have a baby right? I’ve got plenty of time.”

My Wife: “Twenty or thirty hours?”


Anthony: “What? Stop looking at me that way.”

Me: “Uh son…. Your mother was in labor for you for forty five minutes.”

My Wife: “Of pure hell.”

Anthony: “Well it’s not my fault, we haven’t even gone to class yet. I have had zero training in this. Once I get the training I’ll be fine. Why is she looking at me like that? Honey, stop it. You’re scaring me.”


Anthony: “Uh… maybe I’ll just wait in the car.”

A.J.: “I don’t know what the big deal is. In Vietnam the women just squat and have a kid.”

Me: “You’re dead.”

Melina: “You think your wife should squat in a rice paddy and just have a kid? Is that what you think?”

A.J. “Well…no… I haven’t been trained either. It’s not like I was there when you had Alex. Cut me some slack. Put down the fork babe.”

My Wife: “What is Cali doing under the table?”

Me: “WHOA!!!! I’ll tell you what Cali is doing! I just had a pregnant pit bull nuzzle my huevos rancheros.”

My Wife: “You’re what?”

Me: “Sorry Melina, that wasn’t meant to be offensive to Mexicans, HEY!!! NICE DOGGY!! Anthony do something with this dog.”

Anthony: “Sorry dad she’s just pregnant.”

Me: “Yeah well your wife’s pregnant and she’s not under the table. Wait… That came out wrong. I’m not saying Kim should be under the table. I mean I’m not comparing Kim to a dog. It’s just that Cali’s is like…you know… sampling the buffet.”

My wife: “Don’t be an idiot.”

Me: “What if she thinks they’re attacking her young? HUH? Did you ever think of that? No, of course not. I’m keeping a vicious animal at bay with my family jewels and you mock me, that’s right you mock me.”

My wife: “This is where they get their stupid gene from ladies.”


My wife: “Kim? Kim? Snap out of it dear.”


Anthony: “Uh... I’m spending the night here.”

Kim: “You did this to me.”

A.J. “Can’t you just get a shot or something? You know they have that thing they give you, a “saddle sore”, it’s a shot, I think it’s called a “hemotural” or something like that, mom tell her, go ahead, the baby just pops right out with no pain at all.”

A.J. “What? What I do?”

Melina: “Momma Cal, I swear your son wasn’t this stupid when I married him.”

Me: “If someone doesn’t get this dog off me I’m going to owe her twenty bucks.”

My Wife: “Keep dreaming Bozo.”

Kim: “Tell me a story.”

Anthony: “What?”

Kim: “A story, tell me a story. The baby will relax when he hears the sound of your voice.”

Anthony: “You want me to tell your stomach a story now? In front of my dad and A.J.?”

Kim: “If you loved me you’d tell me a story.”

Anthony: “Okay I’ll tell you a story. There once was a twenty six year old man who had a pregnant wife who wanted him to tell her stories. He cooked, cleaned, shopped, walked the dogs, did laundry everyday so his wife could get complete bed rest. He was exhausted and confused every waking moment of the day. The end.”

Kim: “That’s not a good story. You better have a good one by the time we get home.”

Melina: “A.J. will you tell me a story?”

A.J.: “Great, now look what you’ve started.”

Me: “How about I tell everyone a story? There once was a forty eight year old man who was being held hostage by a pregnant pit bull.”

My wife: “Just push her head out of the way and stop whining.”

Me: “You couldn’t breed Chihuahua’s…..Noooooo…. You had to raise pit bulls.”

Anthony: “Dad I’ve told you a million times pit bulls are not vicious animals. They’re great pets and great around kids. It’s the people that train them to fight that give the breed a bad name. By the way Chihuahua’s are way meaner than pit bulls.”

Me: “So pit bulls don’t chomp off nuts, people do?”

Alex: “Chomping nuts? Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Poppa’s chomping nuts.”

A.J.: “Way to go dad.”

My wife: “Alex don’t talk that way, your Poppa is going to the time out step for saying a bad word.”

Me: “No I’m not. That means I’m at eye level with Cali and Chewie.”

My wife: “Go sit on the step.”

Me: “This never happens on 7th Heaven.”

My wife: “Well you’re no minister and that show’s been cancelled.”

Kim: "Twenty or thirty hours......"