Wednesday, March 01, 2006

If that mockingbird don' t sing...

This is a long one.

I came home to find my wife standing in front of the microwave with her hands on her hips and a disgruntled look on her face.

She then slaps the side of the microwave.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“The microwave is mocking me.”

“It’s mocking you?”

“That last beep is extra long.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I put a piece of apple pie in the microwave and it won’t heat up.”

“How long did you put it in there for?”

“Fifteen seconds.”

“Why didn’t you put it in for thirty seconds?”

“Thirty seconds would be too long.”

“What are you doing now?”

“I’m putting it in for another fifteen seconds.”

“Um…. Babe…”

“Don’t start with me, you know I don’t do kitchen.”

(phone rings.)

“Dad? It’s A.J., Alex wants to talk to his poppa.”

“Put my little buddy on the phone.”


“Hey sport what’s up?”

“Poppa I have to tell you something.”


“Poppa… Sometimes my mom and dad piss me off.”


“Well sometimes they piss me off too.”

“Dad! It’s A.J. I had no idea he was going to say that.”

“No kidding.”

“He knows he’s not supposed to use that language. Alex! You know we don’t talk that way.”

“What are you worried about son? Both of our wives will just blame me anyway.”

“Hold on the phones clicking.”

“Dad? It’s Anthony. Kim made me get her Siopao.”

“She got what?”


“ Uh… Hold on Anthony, I’ve got Alex on the other line. AJ and Melina have pissed him off.”

“They what?”

“AJ, I’ve got to go, Kim has Siopao.”

“Oh my god, is the baby okay?”

“I don’t know let me talk to your brother and I’ll call you back.”

“ANDREA!!! Pick up the phone, Kim has Siopao.”



“What’s wrong with Kim?”

“Uh… nothing.”

“Your father said she has “show” something or other. Is the baby okay?”

“Yes… everything is fine. Siopao is steamed pork buns.”

“Steamed pork puns?”

“Please put dad back on the phone.”



“Dad, why’d you yell for mom?”

“I don’t know what Siopao is; I thought it was a woman thing.”

“Is mom still on the phone?”

“I think she’s gone. Andrea, are you still there?”

“She’s gone.”

“Dad, women are nuts. I come home and Kim says to me, “Do you know what would really make me happy? Food.” I’m like no problem, I just did the grocery shopping, and the house is stocked. She says, “There’s nothing in the house to eat.” I say sweetie there’s all sorts of food in the house. Get this dad, she says, “Yes, but I want something refreshing.” Refreshing? We’ve got lettuce, fruit all sorts of stuff. But no, that’s not what she wants she wants, Siopao. Dad, were talking steamed bread stuffed with meat! How is that refreshing? Plus she wants Siopao from this little place in National City. It has to be that specific Siopao! I had to go twenty miles for Siopao! I swear women are all nuts.”

“Son maybe you’re the crazy one for driving twenty miles for steamed pork buns. Hell, your mother couldn’t get me to do something that stupid. Why didn’t you just get steamed pork buns from someplace close? She’d never know. Suck it up and be a man. You gotta be like Clint Eastwood in Heartbreak Ridge, “Improvise, Adapt, Overcome.”

“Improvise? Adapt? Overcome? Okay mister I can’t use a hammer. You’re an idiot! Listen Macgyver, you know damn well you’d get me steamed pork buns if I wanted them.”

“Crap... Andrea?”


“You two are pathetic.

“We thought you were gone.”

“It’s not my fault, Anthony started it.”

“Thanks dad.”

“Actually Alex started it. He was swearing and I had to correct him. Sometimes I have to bear down and be tough with our grandson. I don’t like to do it but hey, I have to be responsible, the adult, the leader of the pack, the alpha male.”

“Alpha male my ass, don’t change the subject. You’re trying to Chewbacca me.”

“I would never...”

“Son, your wife is supposed to be on complete rest for the remainder of her pregnancy. You will get her steamed pork buns, steamed cow buns, steamed anything and you will do it because she is carrying your child and you love her. Got it?’

“Yeah mom, I got it.”

“Fine, tell Kim I love her and that we’re thinking of her.”


“Dad? You still there?”


“Boy, mom sounded a little ticked.”

“That’s what we call sympathetic symptoms son. All grandmas go through it. It’s some hormonal thing. It gives them the strength of like, ten men. You don’t wanna mess with a grandma going through sympathetic symptoms.”

“I’m standing behind you.”

“Yes, and one of the great things about your mother is how well she is able to control those symptoms and maintain an easy calm demeanor at all times. That and her ability to creep around like a ninja when you least expect it.”

“You’re dead dad.”

“Gotta go grasshopper. By the way call A.J., I may have given him the impression Kim has some kind of Siopao disease.”

“Jesus Christ dad you didn’t?”

“Hi babe. I didn’t realize you were there. A.J and Melina pissed Alex off. Boy that grandson of ours is cute isn’t he? Do you feel like taking a run to the mall?”

“Sympathetic symptoms?”

“Uh… I saw it on the Discovery Channel. It’s science. You wouldn’t know because you don’t watch the Discovery Channel.”

“Sympathetic Symptoms?”


“You think I have sympathetic symptoms?”

“Uh… not anymore. Can I heat you up a slice of apple pie?”

“Don’t mock me Calabrese.”