Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Sometimes it really isn't my fault....

I took my three year old grandson to Toys R Us last night... cause that's what grandpas do.

We get to Toys R Us and he wants to ride standing up in the cart. He wants to “steer” the “ship.”

I’m good with this because he can’t take off running if he’s in the cart.

See… I can be responsible.

“Hey poppa, are you a super hero?"

“I can’t tell you. Super Heroes can’t let anyone know who they are.”

“I think you’re a super hero.”

“Well thanks pal.”

“You’re Suuuupppper Poppa Man.”

(Oh he is so going to get toys.)

“Poppa, what’s wrong with that guy?”

“Um… Nothing that I can see.”

“Hey mister, what happened to your face?”

(OH NO!!!)

“Hey little guy.”

“What’s wrong with your face?”

“Uh… I don’t know. What do you think is wrong with my face?”

“I think you ate too much chocolate.”


“I’m sorry sir, Alex there’s nothing wrong with that man, he’s a black man, and he was born that color.”


“Well Alex people are born all different colors. Your skin isn’t the same color as my skin. Wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same color?”

“I want to be purple.”

“Purple? You watch too much PBS, How about Blue?”

“Pink, I want to be pink.”

“Pink? Um… What about green? Green is good.”

“Hey mister what color is your tongue?”

“Alex everyone’s tongue is the same color. We’re all the same on the inside.”

“Show me.”

“Ha ha poppa you stuck your tongue out.”

“No... Sir I wasn’t sticking my tongue out at you… no…. my grandson wanted to see your tongue so I stuck out my tongue to show him how all tongues are alike.”

“Poppa, what about his weenie?”

“TRUST ME!!! He’s all the same color on the outside okay? How about we play the quiet game for awhile?”

“I don’t like that game. Poppa? Jeffrey’s mom has a tattoo.”


“On her butt.”


“That lady over there has a tattoo on her neck.”

“Yes she does…. Um… How do you know Jeffrey’s mom has a tattoo?”

“Jeffrey said so.”

“You and Jeffery talk about that stuff?”

“Yep, all the time, Jeffrey says she has a leprechaun on her butt.”

“Huh… I thought she was Hispanic.”

“Nooooo, poppa she’s a girl.”

“Yes but I thought…she… she… she has a leprechaun on her butt? Well you learn something new everyday.”

“She has a tattoo on her butt and a booby job.”

“A booby job? Jeffrey told you his mom had a booby job?”

“Yep, he said Santa brought it.”

(Merry Christmas.)

“Uh…. How about this dinosaur right here? Let’s get some toys okay?”

“Poppa? What’s a booby job?”

“It’s… uh… a job… where you…um… count boobies.”


(Jesus Christ!!! I look like a racist pervert right now.)

“Shush!!! Alex, you don’t yell that out. Be cool. That lady is a super hero like poppa. That’s… um… Super Boobie Lady.”

(Whispering) “Okay grandpa… Is that guy Super Black Man?”

“Yes, I think he is, so we need to keep whispering.”



“I can see him.”

“I can see him too.”

“Then it’s not a secret. HEY MISTER!!!!”

“SHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Alex!!!!”

“Poppa!!!! This is fun!!! Push the cart faster, faster!!!”

$200 worth of toys later we went home.

“You couldn’t just buy him one toy?”

“Come on babe… Most of them were on sale.”

“Hi Gramma, I saw Super Boobie Lady and Super Black Man and poppa stuck his tongue out and Jeffrey’s mom has a tattoo on her butt because she has a booby job and poppa bought me all these toys to shut me up.”

“I… uh… he… Jeffrey said... um... I’ll just go sit on the time out step.”