Sunday, February 12, 2006

"Oye Como HUH?"

“Dad, help me.”

“Speak to me grasshopper.”

“Kim… Kim… I’m not sure how to say this….. Kim made me kiss her rash.”

“Uh… Son… Aren’t we a little too old for a “birds and the bees” talk?

“Dad? Did you hear me? SHE MADE ME KISS HER RASH!!! NOT HER ASS, HER RASH!!!”

“Uh… Mr. Miyagi got nothing.”

“Dad, I get home and she’s scratching this rash on her stomach I tell her not to scratch it and she says then I have to kiss it and I say what if it’s something contagious and she says you won’t kiss the stomach where my baby is so I blow a kiss to it and she gets this look like mom gets when she’s got her sword only she doesn’t have a sword so she picks up a shoe so I kneel down to kiss it and at the last minute I slip my hand between my lips and her stomach and she notices so I say okay and I kiss the rash but then I go to wash my face and brush my teeth and she catches me snaps and now I’m outside with Chewie.”

“You’re outside with your dog?”

“He was already in trouble.”

“A twenty-five year old Italian Portuguese male and a pit bull are outside hiding from one pregnant woman?”

“Chewie started it.”

‘You’re blaming your dog?”

“Well dad… He… He… Kind of got stuck to Cali.”

“He got stuck?”

“You know dad… stuck.”

“You mean?”

“He’s been humping everything and well… he got stuck.”

“So your pit bull molested her pit bull and that started it.”

“Well if Cali hadn’t, you know, tensed up, it would have been fine. Have you ever tried to separate two mating pit bulls?”

“Not recently.”

“Well Kim looks at me with this, “See what you’ve started” look and starts yelling at Chewie like he has a clue. He’s looking at me with this, “Hey! Little help here” look and it just got bad dad, really really bad.”

“So now you’re hiding.”

“We’re not hiding; she knows we’re out here. Dad I don’t think this is just mood swings anymore I think she may be possessed.”

“Son she’s not possessed, what you’ve got there is, “failure to communicate.”

“Cool Hand Luke? You’re quoting Cool Hand Luke dad?”

“A good movie quote or the lyrics to a Carlos Santana song can save the world.”

“How has mom not killed you? Dad what am I gonna do? I just want things to be normal again.”

“Um… Son… Grasshopper… Sport…Think of this as your “new” normal.”

“Dad… I kissed a rash…”

“Son you will kiss a lot more than that when your son is growing up.”

“Dad, how did you get through this?”

“Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.”

“Come on dad.”

“You just do son, you just do.”