Friday, February 24, 2006

I'm going for the gold!!!

I’m watching the Winter Olympics and all these athletes are skinny people.

Wouldn’t it be more challenging if say a ski jumper weighed, oh I don’t know, 400 pounds?

Now that’s a landing I’d pay to see.

I think fat people would be more fun to watch in all the events.

Think of a 1200 pound four man bobsled team. Sure the start would be slow but once those puppies got moving….

The “skeleton” and “luge” events would give fat kids hope that someday they too could wear Olympic gold.

Um… speed skating might be a little boring; it’d be more like mall walking.

If Sasha Cohen weighed in at around 350 when she fell on her jumps we’d be disappointed, but we’d almost expect it, and I for one would give her the gold medal just for the effort.

My favorite Olympic event is “Curling”.

How drunk were the guys that thought this up?

"Dude why do you have that rock, your wife’s iron, Crazy Glue and her broom?”

“Check it out; we glue the iron to this rock right? Then we use it as a handle to throw the rock across the ice.”

“What’s with the broom?”

“That’s to fend off my wife until the rock stops.”

I didn’t understand what “Curling” was so I looked it up.

Did you know that rule number 16 of the World Curling Federation says, “No Doping”?

These people are concerned about “Curlers” using performance enhancing drugs.


Never mind.

I’ve decided that being an overweight middle aged man that my chances of winning Olympic Gold in any event are fading quickly.

But I’m starting my own drive to add an event to the Summer Olympics. This is an event where someone like me not only has a chance, but will dominate. This is an event that Americans will rule until the end of time.


The summer barbecue.

Bring it on Norway, Finland, Japan. Come on Russia, China, we’ll kick your ass and we won’t have to wear some frilly tights and do triple sour cows or whatever.

You won’t have to be skinny or twelve years old to win. You won’t have to vault over anything and the only thing you have to balance is the corn on the cob.

The only rings we'll hang on to are onion rings.

We’ll toil over the flames in a sauce stained apron of pride and rise above all victorious!

This will be my moment on the podium holding my golden spatula for all to see while they raise my flag over the Germans and their bratwurst and the English and some type of meat.

Yes, this will be my Olympic moment!!!.


USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!


For some reason I’m hungry all of a sudden.

Must be because I'm an athlete in training....