Monday, February 20, 2006

File this one under, You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up.

Last night I take my wife, two sons, and pregnant daughter-in-law to dinner. I’m not going to say who said what, you can probably figure it out.

“What’s wrong Kim?”

“There’s an old woman singing in the stall in the ladies room.”


“What’s she singing?”

“You’re not going to believe me.”

“Sure we are sweetheart.”

“New Attitude.”


“I’m serious there’s an old woman on the toilet singing “New Attitude.”

“Do pregnant woman hallucinate?”

“I’m not hallucinating, she’s in there singing, “I'm feelin' good from my head to my shoes.”

“Well you do kind of get a new attitude after you’ve gone to the bathroom.”

“So it was a “Potty Labelle” song.”

“Stop it Tony.”

“Can we please just order dinner?”

“Where are Melina and Alex tonight?”

“She’s working, Alex is at her mom’s, but she’s upset with me anyway.”

“What now?”

“We were in Target checking out and Alex asks the checker what her name is, she says Leticia. He then says, “My name is Alex and I’m three.” So far no problems. Then as we’re leaving he turns to her and says, “Hey Leticia, what time do you get off work tonight?”

“I’m laughing and Melina is mad because she thinks he’s repeating something I said. I told her I was innocent. She knows I would never do anything like that.”

“What? Why is everyone looking at me? I don’t even shop at Target.”

“Right dad.”

“Let’s change the subject. So Anthony how are the dogs?”

“Well, we’re having puppies?”

“We gave Cali a doggy early pregnancy test.”

“Dude, you’re wife and your dogs are giving birth? You’re screwed. You may never sleep again.”

“Excuse me I have a question. How do you give an early pregnancy test to a pit bull?”

“Very carefully.”

“I had to follow her around with this little cup and then try and dive underneath to get some, you know, just as she starts to go.”

“Why are you all laughing at me? Have you ever tried to get a pit bull to pee in a cup?”

(The waitress walks up just as he says that.)

“Um… It sounds like you need a few more minutes to decide.”

(We order, we get our dinner, and then….)

“Whenever I eat meat my nose stuffs up.”


“I can’t explain it. My nose just plugs right up whenever I eat meat. Not a cheeseburger meat, I mean like, you know, steak meat.”

“Uh… What are we doing now? Random thought streams?”

“My nose is plugged up okay? I’m just saying when I eat a steak it plugs up.”

“You’re nuts.”

“Here’s a thought… Blow your nose.”

“Oh, whenever I eat lamb I go blind.”

“I can’t have chicken, I go deaf.”

“Bite me.”

“Knock it off.”

“Boy what we need here is a little attitude adjustment.”

(In unison and out loud.)

“I'm feelin' good from my head to my shoes, know where I'm goin' and I know what to do,
I tidied up my point of view, I got a new attitude.”

“Oh my god, that’s the singing lady right there. She thinks we’re making fun of her.”

“Ooh ooh ooh ooh, I need to use the restroom.”

“Check please!!!”