Sunday, January 08, 2006

Idiots are people too.......


“Yes Alex.”

“When is “my” Christmas coming again?”

“Next year Alex.”


“Yeah buddy.”

“Sometimes I get hungry for popcorn.”

“Well we all do pal.”


“Yes Alex.”

“My Spiderman has no nuts.”


“That’s because that’s a toy Alex.”



“Have you ever been socked in the nuts?”


“Yes Alex.”

“Hurts huh?”


“I’m not supposed to sock Jeffrey in the nuts.”

“Well that’s good. You should never sock anyone in the nuts unless it’s in self defense.”

“Jeffrey took my Spiderman.”

“Well that’s a pretty good reason… I mean no…. no….. you should talk to Jeffrey and explain to him that that’s your Spiderman but you’d be willing to share.”



“Gramma has no nuts.”


“No… Gramma has no nuts.” (Although ……)

“Has Gramma ever socked you in the nuts?”

“No it just feels like it sometimes.”

“Gramma has a vagina.”

(Oh crud…….)

“Well yes… yes she does.”

“How come you don’t have a vagina?”


“Because I’d never leave the house.”


“Um… men lose things… and you don’t want to lose a vagina. You don’t want a vagina on the loose. God gave women vaginas because they never lose anything.”

“Where did vaginas come from?”

“Uh… um… um… The first vagina was discovered by the Egyptians over 2000 years ago. The Pharaoh Elvis the First was playing Bocci Ball and was stuck by lightening right in the huevos and blammo he ended up with a vagina.”

“Oh…. Okay...Can I have some juice Poppa?”

“Yes… yes…. So how about I put Madagascar on for you watch?”

“Do penguins have nuts?”

“Uh… very small ones……”

“So are you two having fun?”

“Hi Gramma. You have a vagina.”




“Did you get hit by lightening?”


“No… Does Gramma’s hair look funny?”

(Hail Mary full of grace, Hail Mary full of grace, Hail Mary full of grace……)

“I like your hair Gramma. Poppa was telling me stories. He’s a funny guy.”

“You were telling him stories about……...?”

“NOOooooooo. He started it. I was just explaining to him in an adult manner, you told me not to talk to him like he was a baby, so I was logically explaining to him boy parts versus girl parts.”

“Uh huh…and the lightening?”

“No clue where he got that from. Probably heard that in preschool from that Jeffrey kid. I never did like that Jeffrey. Did you know he stole Spiderman from Alex?”

“I socked him in the nuts….. Elvis has a vagina.”

(Hail Mary full of grace, Hail Mary full of grace, Hail Mary full of grace……)

“Elvis….has….a…. vagina?”

“What? Why are you looking at me? Why do you assume that I told him that? You know maybe I had a responsible adult conversation with my grandson. Did you ever think of that? NO. You just jump to conclusions. That’s just sad…really… just sad…”

“Elvis was an Egyptian.”

(Time to die Iron Eagle.)

“What the hell are you telling your grandson?”

“I was teaching him history. Education is the key to success. Did you know that Buddha achieved total enlightenment by the time he was thirty five?”

“That’s because he didn’t have an idiot for a grandfather.”


“Yes sweetheart.”

“Want me to sock him in the nuts?”