Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The apple doesn't fall far......



“Maybe? It depends. Do you want money?”

“Dad it’s me, Anthony.”

“Answer the question stranger.”

“Come on dad.”

“No speaky Engi.”

“No dad I don’t want money.”

“Hey son, how’s my first born and my beautiful pregnant daughter-in-law?”

“Dad I was sitting on one couch with Chewie, and Kim was on the little couch, and we were watching TV, and Kim asked me why I wasn’t sitting with her, and I said I was sitting with Chewie, and she looked at me and said, “You’d rather sit with a pit bull?”, and I said no but “you’re too big…I mean the couch is too small…I mean humans in general are too big to sit on that couch together.”

Dad the more I talked the worse it got and she just kept staring at me, this weird kind of eerie pregnant woman stare. I panicked and told her I was going out to get her get some Philippine mangos because she craves them and now I’m afraid to go back inside the apartment.”

“No speaky Engi.”

“Dad help, haven’t you ever said something to mom that gets you into trouble and the more you try and talk your way out of it the more in trouble you get?”

“Maybe once.”

“What do I do?”

“Hold on the other line is beeping.”


“Dad, it’s me, AJ. Dad mom screwed up. Those pants she gave to Melina are a size four they’re way too small. I think Melina thinks I told mom her size and now I think I’m in trouble. What was mom thinking?”

“And you’re telling me this because???????”

“Dad you need to tell mom.”

“I’m not telling mom, you tell mom.”

“She’s your wife.”

“She’s your mother.”

“Is there like a huge size difference? Maybe we could take them to the tailor and have him let out the seams.”

“Dad mom wears a three; Melina wears something like a seven that means her pants should be like twice the size of the pants mom got her.

“Hold on let me get rid of your brother.”

“Anthony? Take her to go see Brokeback Mountain.”

“WHAT??? NO WAY IN HELL AM I GOING TO THAT MOVIE!!!! Dad that’s the gay cowboy movie. HellOOOOOO GAY cowboy movie. They made a movie about SHEEPHERDERS and made them GAY and then named the movie “BROKEBACK”, dad come on, there’s not a straight guy on the planet that’s going to see that movie.”

“Oh contraire grasshopper, the theater will be filled with guys that have pissed off their women and will do anything to make it right so they can have sex again.”

“Dad I can’t do it.”

”Son only a man that was uncomfortable with his own sexuality would have a problem with this.”

“Are you going to go see it?”


“Hold on your mother just came in the room.”

“Hey babe, Anthony told Kim he wouldn’t sit with her because she’s huge but he meant that the couch was too small so he went out for mangos with Chewie. AJ is on the other line holding for you I think he has a question about where you got those pants.”

“What? Give me the phone.”

“Anthony, Kim knows you’re an idiot because she’s met your father; apologize to you’re her for being stupid, sit with her if she’ll let you, rub her back, tell he you love her and then offer to take her to dinner and a movie.”

“OH not you too mom, I am not going to see Brokeback Mountain.”

“Anthony, grow up. Take her to whatever movie she wants to see and above all…shut up. Don’t bitch, moan and groan or show any displeasure. This is something you men can fake for us.”

“Jeez mom I really don’t want to hear that.”

“Son listen to your mother, I love you, now go handle it.”

“I was gonna say that to him but you came in to soon. What?"


“Um… mom?”

“Why do you want to know where Melina’s pants came from?”

"Um… they’re… um…really nice and I thought maybe I could buy her a couple more pairs.”

“Uh huh… Son…. What’s wrong with the pants?”

“Mom they’re too small, Melina wears a seven and you got her a four. Now I think I'm in trouble for telling you the wrong size.”

“I got her a four? Sweetheart I know Melina wears a seven because I asked her what her size was. It’s just a mistake. I’ll return them. Tell her it’s not a problem.”

“That's it? Thanks mom.”

“Bye sweetheart.”

“I can’t believe I bought Melina a four.”

“Me neither, you have no ass; Melina’s got an ass….”

“Oh god........ Please let me have just said that in my head.”




“You wanna go see Brokeback Mountain?”