Friday, December 02, 2005

Winter Wonderland my a..!!!!


This is the time of the year where the air is cool and crisp with just a hint of smog.

Most areas of the world have what is affectionately known as “weather”. Here in San Diego we have a slight chance of an occasional mist most likely in the morning.

We don’t do weather here.

We don’t know how.

The weather people on the news don’t handle it well either.

Yesterday I saw the new Channel 39 weather guy yelling into the camera, “THE SKY IS FALLING THE SKY IS FALLING!!!”

Uh…we call that….fog.

Oh we will get some rain.

Just a wisp.

Enough to turn the freeways into “demolition derby”.

Every time it rains you hear the following, “People in San Diego don’t know how to drive in the rain.”


Last time I checked everyone in San Diego had moved here from the east coast because it got “to freakin cold”.

So don’t blame us.

I was born and raised in San Diego.

There are only eleven native San Diegan’s left.

I’ve never shoveled snow.

I’ve never chipped ice off my windshield. (Although my wife’s sword would be perfect for it.)

Never salted a road.

I’ve only seen snow twice in my life. Once in a cherry snow cone at the zoo and once in a trip to hell at a place called “Big Bear”.

We went with my wife’s best friend and “people from her work.”

I now know those “people from her work” were the “others” from the television show “Lost.”

Eventually you reach the bottom of the mountain where you are told you have to put “chains” on your tires.

How the hell are you supposed to know how to do that?

The “forest ranger” who told us we had to have them gave us only one bit of advice, “Assure your vehicle cannot drive over you.”

Good thinking.

I used duct tape and a staple gun.

I didn’t want to get run over.

Here’s a little tip when driving with chains. Your car may not stop when you apply the brakes, which I personally believe will eventually create the sport of car skiing.

Look for other cars, log cabins, forest rangers and moose to carom off of so you can slow your vehicle down as you spin out of control.

When you do regain control you get to drive up the snow covered winding road of death.


So you can fly down a mountain on fiberglass sticks dressed like a paralyzed Eskimo?

The “people from her work” told me not to worry. There were all kinds of snow and all sorts of slopes.

All kinds of snow?

Apparently there’s powdery snow, icy snow, yellow snow, partially melted snow and heavy snow.

All sorts of slopes?

Apparently there are bunny slopes, bumpy slopes (Aka rocks, boulders and tree stumps) flat slopes, steep slopes and AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

To me…every slope is an AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

There’s a reason men my size shouldn’t snow ski.

It’s called gravity.

I’m either going to get down the mountain in 30 seconds on my face or seven hours scooting down the mountain six inches at a time on my butt.

On the bumpy slope.

Frost bite butt is not something you want to talk about.

My wife loved all this crap because we were in a big group and we were all going to stay in the cabin together and it would be an adventure and it was going to be so much fun and blah blah blah….

I just wanted a place to poop in private.

Where was I going to poop?

Sixteen of us including the “people from her work” in one cabin with one bathroom.

There’s no private pooping.

There’s no private anything.

It gets very cold at night which gives a large group; oh I don’t know, say sixteen people, the opportunity to all die together of carbon monoxide poisoning.

“More wood, more wood, throw on more wood.”

You didn’t warn us about that did you mister forest ranger?

Have you ever staggered outside wearing thermal underwear into 15 degree weather trying to get air? IT BURNS!!!!

Here’s another tip for you. Do not park your car on the road in front of your cabin. If you do the snow plow fairy will come by at night and peel the side of your car open like a cheap tin can.

At least it didn’t damage the chains.

And my last tip. Take the chains off when you get back down the mountain and get onto the freeway where there’s no snow.

I think ours flew off somewhere around Riverside.

That’s what the highway patrolman with the shattered windshield claimed anyway.

Have you ever had a train of thought that just stopped and said everybody off?

I think it’s this cold weather.

It’s in the low 70’s.