Mission Impossible?
“Remember, we are not exchanging gifts this year. You got your TV and I got my remodel.”
Hmmmmm………..
Will I get in trouble if I get her a gift?
Yes.
Will I get in trouble if I don’t get her a gift?
Yes and no.
I have a Christmas Paradox, which would have been a great name for a holiday TV special starring Herve Villechaize… but he’s dead.
If I don’t get her a gift then when we open gifts (in front of her whole family) I’m going to look like a cheapskate, a bum, a loser.
So my mission, if I decide to accept it, is to get her a gift that says Merry Christmas without looking like I said MERRY CHRISTMAS THIS IS YOUR GIFT FROM YOUR HUSBAND WHO IS NOT CHEAP AND DIDN’T LISTEN TO YOU WHEN YOU SAID WE ARE NOT GETTING EACH OTHER GIFTS?
As usual my Christmas will self destruct in 30 seconds if I screw this up.
There’s only one solution.
Sears.
Sears is where America shops, which is appropriate because most of the sales clerks are from India.
Not many people think expensive romantic Christmas gifts when they think Sears, unless of course your wife or girlfriend is a gardener or a carpenter.
I went to Sears last night.
“Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada DITADUM DITADUM tada Dum Dum….”
“Sir?”
“Yes?”
“Are you singing the theme song from Mission Impossible?”
“Oh I didn’t know you got that show in India? Yes I’m trying to find a gift for my wife who I’m not supposed to get a gift for because that was the deal but I’ll look stupid and cheap in front of her family so I need to find a non Christmas Christmas gift.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
“Never mind. Where are the vacuums? The vacuum guys know everything.”
“By the escalators.”
“Thank you, nice dot, kind of looks like a Christmas tree ornament.”
“Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada DITADUM DITADUM tada Dum Dum….”
“Hey, how u doin? I’m trying to find a gift for my wife who I’m not supposed to get a gift for because that was the deal but I’ll look stupid and cheap in front of her family so I need to find a non Christmas Christmas gift.”
“Man I go through the same crap every year myself. Whatever you do don’t buy her a power drill. Don’t buy bath towels either. Hmmm….. What about a pet?”
“”What? Like goldfish or something?”
“I was thinking more like a dog or cat. Did you know the Kenmore 8500 with the exclusive Kenmore Hepa Filter System picks up all kinds of hair, dirt, rocks, rubber bands, paper clips, pens, pencils, weeds, cigarette butts and food scraps?”
“Boy you learn something new everyday. Thank you vacuum guy.”
“Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada DITADUM DITADUM tada Dum Dum….”
Wait…..
A pet?
We had living creatures in our home for twenty years. We had to potty train them, take them outside, clean up after them, and teach them tricks.
We finally got the last one out and married last year.
I don’t need a pet.
Hmmm…..
What to do? What to do?
(Here’s the thing…. I can’t tell you what I did. If I tell you then my wife will know because she’ll read it here and I’ll get in trouble. There is always the possibility that I haven’t done anything yet and the suggestions I get from you will solve my problem. Some people may think that the only reason I’m writing this is so that my wife will read this and then think I’m cute and go out and buy me another Christmas gift. Trust me, that ain’t gonna happen. So basically I’ll tell you after Christmas.)
One last note.
There are thousands of men and women that will not be home for Christmas this year, men and women of our armed forces. Regardless of your position on Iraq or the politics of today, take some time to support those men and women that keep us safe and secure so that we can enjoy the freedoms we have here in the United States.
If you see a member of our military and the opportunity permits, take ten seconds to just say thank you. That’s all it takes, one simple thank you. No politics, no taking sides, just ten seconds of your time. It makes a difference.
I want to personally wish a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to ENS Joel Coito and the crew of the Coast Guard Cutter Kukui.
Thank you.
“Semper Paratus”
Hmmmmm………..
Will I get in trouble if I get her a gift?
Yes.
Will I get in trouble if I don’t get her a gift?
Yes and no.
I have a Christmas Paradox, which would have been a great name for a holiday TV special starring Herve Villechaize… but he’s dead.
If I don’t get her a gift then when we open gifts (in front of her whole family) I’m going to look like a cheapskate, a bum, a loser.
So my mission, if I decide to accept it, is to get her a gift that says Merry Christmas without looking like I said MERRY CHRISTMAS THIS IS YOUR GIFT FROM YOUR HUSBAND WHO IS NOT CHEAP AND DIDN’T LISTEN TO YOU WHEN YOU SAID WE ARE NOT GETTING EACH OTHER GIFTS?
As usual my Christmas will self destruct in 30 seconds if I screw this up.
There’s only one solution.
Sears.
Sears is where America shops, which is appropriate because most of the sales clerks are from India.
Not many people think expensive romantic Christmas gifts when they think Sears, unless of course your wife or girlfriend is a gardener or a carpenter.
I went to Sears last night.
“Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada DITADUM DITADUM tada Dum Dum….”
“Sir?”
“Yes?”
“Are you singing the theme song from Mission Impossible?”
“Oh I didn’t know you got that show in India? Yes I’m trying to find a gift for my wife who I’m not supposed to get a gift for because that was the deal but I’ll look stupid and cheap in front of her family so I need to find a non Christmas Christmas gift.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
“Never mind. Where are the vacuums? The vacuum guys know everything.”
“By the escalators.”
“Thank you, nice dot, kind of looks like a Christmas tree ornament.”
“Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada DITADUM DITADUM tada Dum Dum….”
“Hey, how u doin? I’m trying to find a gift for my wife who I’m not supposed to get a gift for because that was the deal but I’ll look stupid and cheap in front of her family so I need to find a non Christmas Christmas gift.”
“Man I go through the same crap every year myself. Whatever you do don’t buy her a power drill. Don’t buy bath towels either. Hmmm….. What about a pet?”
“”What? Like goldfish or something?”
“I was thinking more like a dog or cat. Did you know the Kenmore 8500 with the exclusive Kenmore Hepa Filter System picks up all kinds of hair, dirt, rocks, rubber bands, paper clips, pens, pencils, weeds, cigarette butts and food scraps?”
“Boy you learn something new everyday. Thank you vacuum guy.”
“Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada Dum Dum tada DITADUM DITADUM tada Dum Dum….”
Wait…..
A pet?
We had living creatures in our home for twenty years. We had to potty train them, take them outside, clean up after them, and teach them tricks.
We finally got the last one out and married last year.
I don’t need a pet.
Hmmm…..
What to do? What to do?
(Here’s the thing…. I can’t tell you what I did. If I tell you then my wife will know because she’ll read it here and I’ll get in trouble. There is always the possibility that I haven’t done anything yet and the suggestions I get from you will solve my problem. Some people may think that the only reason I’m writing this is so that my wife will read this and then think I’m cute and go out and buy me another Christmas gift. Trust me, that ain’t gonna happen. So basically I’ll tell you after Christmas.)
One last note.
There are thousands of men and women that will not be home for Christmas this year, men and women of our armed forces. Regardless of your position on Iraq or the politics of today, take some time to support those men and women that keep us safe and secure so that we can enjoy the freedoms we have here in the United States.
If you see a member of our military and the opportunity permits, take ten seconds to just say thank you. That’s all it takes, one simple thank you. No politics, no taking sides, just ten seconds of your time. It makes a difference.
I want to personally wish a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to ENS Joel Coito and the crew of the Coast Guard Cutter Kukui.
Thank you.
“Semper Paratus”
posted by Shrinking Wop at 7:40 AM
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