Friday, December 23, 2005

I'm Dreaming of a White Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut Cookie Christmas.

It is my belief that my darling wonderful wife actually strives to find new and exciting ways to piss me off.

One of her favorites is to hop into the shower in the morning and use all of the hot water when…..SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO GO ANYWHERE and I need to go to the office!!!!

I swear if she didn’t own a sword I’d flush every toilet and turn on every faucet in the house while she’s in there.

But…she owns a sword…and I don’t have the catlike reflexes I used to have.

I just keep running the shower scene from Psycho over and over again in my head until she’s done and my anger seems to pass.

If I don’t do anything but just act mad she immediately counters my mad with her mad and lets faces it guys, it just ain’t worth the aggravation.

Long term marriage is about survival, it’s not about a hot shower.

A successful long term marriage is also about dealing with your wife’s “ideas”.

My wife got the “idea” that baking cookies for Christmas would be fun.

Here’s the thing.

My wife doesn’t do kitchen.


But in the spirit of teamwork and “this is something we can do together” I agreed to bake cookies with my wife.

I have to admit that the actual cookie baking went well. She measured, I mixed, and although messy, it all worked out okay.

In the end we had cookies.

Thousands of cookies.

We had cookies everywhere.

I’m a fat man in recovery.

I’ve lost close to one hundred pounds.

I don’t do cookies.

I quit smoking on April 20th 1987. I woke up, realized my lungs had forgotten how to breathe, wheezed, coughed up what I think was a lung and haven’t had a cigarette since.

I did it cold turkey.

Quitting smoking cold turkey was way easier than losing all that weight.

Eventually you hate the smell of cigarette smoke.

You never hate the smell of freshly baked cookies.

So I’m staring at thousands of cookies.

I’m getting cookie cravings.

I’m ready to go on Safari to hunt Keebler Elves.

I need a cookie.

My wife’s a skinny person.

Skinny people don’t get cookie cravings.

Skinny people love to give fat people cookies and candy for Christmas, because it fills skinny people with Christmas cheer and fills fat people with chocolate chips.

Skinny people also get cookies and candy from other skinny people as well. They don’t eat the stuff they just leave it out so fat people can see it and go insane.

“You need to get these cookies out of the house.”

“What’s the big deal? Just use willpower you’ll be fine.”

(I don’t know who this “Will Power” is but this son of a bitch needs to die.)

“Honey I have no will power. If I had will power I wouldn’t have made the damn cookies in the first place.”

“Have “a” cookie and then that’s it. Your craving will be satisfied.”

"Did you just blink twice and wiggle your nose? Oh… well… then I’ll just have one cookie and then I’ll be okay. That’s all I need just one cookie. Just one little cookie. That’s all I need. That’s kind of like going to the Nordstrom Half Off Yearly Sale and only BUYING ONE SHOE!!!”

“Have a carrot.”

“Oh thank the heavens I can have a carrot. Whooooo Hoooooo thank you Jesus. And on the eighth day God created carrots and celery and all the rest of that crap that doesn’t taste like FRESHLY BAKED COOKIES!!!!”

“How about an apple?”

“That sounds great. Have you got an oatmeal macadamia nut chocolate chip apple in the fridge for me? Cause that would sure satisfy my craving. Well do ya…..punk?”

“Are you done?”


“Are you getting an apple?”

“Yes, but it sucks.... You wanna make pizza together?”