Monday, December 05, 2005

Be careful what you wish for....

I’m hesitant to tell this story.

But I feel it is my duty to protect you.

Think of it as a public service announcement.

My wife let me get my Christmas present early.

It's all I ever wanted.

I bought a 62 inch wide screen Mitsubishi LCD DLP HDTV.

Some of you are saying BFD.

I also got Cox HDTV digital cable service.

I now have 300 plus channels of nothing worth watching that is crystal clear.

The other night I fell asleep watching the Sopranos on HBO.

Imagine Tony Soprano, Paulie Walnuts, Christopher Moltesanti and the rest of the gang on a 62 inch wide screen HDTV.

When I woke up I thought Batman was on. I was a little groggy but I was sure I saw the bat cave on my screen.

As I reached full consciousness I noticed a rose hanging from the bat cave swinging back and forth.

It was crystal clear.



That’s not the bat cave…..




A VAGINA!!!!!!


I had fallen asleep during the Sopranos and woke up during HBO’s “Real Sex”.

Do you have any idea what it is like to see an overweight lesbians 62 inch pierced vagina on your LCD DLP HDTV??????

There needs to be a law.

Oh god…. and that rose….

Who the hell sends flowers that way?

Wouldn’t a Hallmark card be more appropriate?

I got so scared I went around the house turning on all the lights and checking all the locks.

It was like the first time I saw the movie Alien.

I didn’t want that thing to get me.

I don’t ever want to see “Real Sex”, especially in HDTV. Real sex involves old ugly overweight bald people with utensils.

And that’s just the women.

If I wanted to see something like that I would watch National Geographic.

Maybe it’s just me, but don’t you kind of... sort of... think in your “mind” whenever you’re having sex you look like a porn star.

I mean… you know… in your mind.

Which may explain every once in a while why I hear my wife say, “Hellooo I don’t bend that way.”

And our minds don’t have HDTV.

That’s because there are certain things in life that should remain a bit fuzzy.

They don’t need to be on HBO HDTV.

On a 62 inch widescreen Mitsubishi LCD DLP HDTV.

By the way when is that Victoria’s Secret show on?

For you Sopranos fans you have to give me credit for not going for the obvious joke about Salvatore Bonpensiero’s nick name.

The rest of you can look it up.