Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Sword in the Tone

Last night I came home and saw my wife swinging a sword......which is our living room.




“It’s my Aikido Sword. Watch this.”


“Look what ever I did I’m sorry. Do you want to go Nordstrom? Put the sword down and let’s got to Nordstrom.”

“I don’t need Nordstrom. I am one with the universe.”

“You don't need NORDSTROM? One with the universe? Is this part of that Cookie Lee cult you belong to? What are you a Cookie Lee Ninja?"

“No we offer Aikido at the gym now and I’m going to learn Aikido for self defense.”

(Boxing, Kickboxing and now Aikido? What the hell is menopause going to be like?)

"I get it you're training for the day after Christmas sales. But what about the new lamps?”


“I’m not going to hit the new lamps. When I hold this sword I feel enlightened. I have found satori. I am at peace.”

“What about me? I’M NOT AT PEACE!!!! How come every time you’re at peace I end up getting hurt? What about painting or alcoholism? Couldn’t you find peace through them?

“Don’t you want me to feel safe when I go to the mall?”

“Sweetheart… That’s a sword…. You can’t walk around the mall with a sword. Let me buy you a gun, seriously, at least there’s a seven day waiting period for a gun. At least give me a chance.”

“My Sensei says that Aikido teaches us to harmonize our will with the will of our opponent and to conduct his will and his movement so that they cause no harm.”


“They have wooden swords.”

“Wooden swords? Honey you’re married to an Italian, I’ve got a wooden bat in the trunk of my car, let me get you a bat. At least it’s rounded at the end.”


“Stop with the “HIIIYAAA!” already. You’re scaring the crap out of me.”

“I’m not giving up my sword.”

“Baby you don’t use cutlery remember? You don’t do kitchen. You know you could put an eye out with that thing. If Johnny Johnson has a sword it doesn’t mean that you have to have a sword.”

“Tell me you are not being a smartass while I’m holding a sword.”

“Jesus Christ babe what’s next, blow guns? Most women your age are knitting or playing bridge or online poker or something.”




“That didn’t come out right. You know what? Keep the sword. Really, you look good.”


“That’s not funny babe.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to a Renaissance Fair to buy armor. Where the hell do you thing I’m going?”

“You come back here and give me one good reason why I shouldn’t do Aikido.”

“Babe you can do Aikido but couldn’t you start out slow? Maybe work at Benihanas for awhile?

“You can’t help yourself can you? You have to be a smartass. I’m trying to better myself and you’re making fun of me.”

“You’re right honey. I’m sorry. I was being insensitive. By the way, just out of curiosity, that sword didn’t come with a Xena Warrior Princess outfit did it?”