Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The Mysteries of Colonhenge

Last night I fell asleep watching the “Mysteries of Stonehenge” on the Discovery Channel and when I woke up it was 3:00am and an infomercial was on.

This infomercial was selling……“Colon Cleansing.”

Ummm… This has absolutely nothing to do with correcting punctuation.

The television studio for the program was set up to look like the “O’Reilly Factor” on FOX news.

I was expecting a little tag bar to run across the bottom of the screen telling me the reason these Muslims are blowing themselves up is because they’re all constipated.

There were “framed” experts, like they were in different parts of the country, side by side, talking about the benefits of a clean colon.

This program screamed for Geraldo Rivera. He would have been perfect. Geraldo would have been checking up colons looking for Al Capone’s lost treasure… or Jimmy Hoffa.

Barbara Walters would have been great on this show too. I can just hear her voice in my head asking Dick Cheney or Ted Kennedy if they get enough fiber in their diets.

Obviously not.

Instead of Geraldo or Barbara the guy asking the two “experts” questions about their product was the same little Australian guy I saw last week on an infomercial selling a vacuum cleaner.

At first that kind of frightened me.

That’s not exactly gentle colon cleansing. You should have seen this thing suck up dirt, nails, rubber bands and paper clips.

But then I remembered over the last year I also saw him selling a steam ironing system, a crepe maker, a hand blender, a food processor, a juicer and a food dehydrator.

I don’t sleep much.

I ordered everything except the crepe maker. That sounded too French.

When the “experts” started to answer the questions it was obvious that they were Australian as well.

Apparently they eat too much meat in Australia or something.

It’s very odd to listen to three people from Australia talking about cleaning your colon.

Their accent actually makes it sound kind of exciting.

Imagine the “Crocodile Hunter” talking about the “most dangerous colon in the world.”

At first I started to laugh, and then they said something that made me listen.

They said that people who didn’t have clean colons had five to fifteen pounds of “stuff”, “impacted” in there.

They also said that people who don’t clean their colons are often restless, frustrated, anger easily, are sluggish and in many cases suffer from insomnia.



What if the reason I never sleep is my colon?

That’s a tough conversation to have with your wife.

“Honey I’m afraid I have an impacted colon.”

“Call the dentist.”

“No, not my teeth, my colon.”

“Your what? You’re an idiot.”

“I’m serious, I was watching these Australian people last night on the Discovery Channel talking about the dangers of impacted colons.”

“That was not on the Discovery Channel.”

“It really was. What if the reason I never sleep is my impacted colon?”

“What does your colon have to do with sleeping?”

“It causes insomnia.”

“Uh huh… Have you ever thought that maybe the reason you don’t sleep is that you drink about a gallon of Diet Arizona Green Tea after 9:00pm?”

“Green tea is good for you. Chinese people drink it all the time. Do they have healthy colons? I think The Learning Channel had a special on that. I think they do, the Chinese have good colons. You never hear about a Chinese colon problem.”

“You’re Italian, and maybe the reason there’s so many Chinese is that they’re never getting any sleep.”

“That’s actually pretty funny babe.”

“Tell me you didn’t order a colon cleanser from an infomercial.”

“Well…. Umm… You know honey you seem a little restless and frustrated.”

“You’re starting to piss me off Calabrese.”

“You know you anger easily”


“Ouch!!!! Damn!!! You’re definitely not sluggish.”