Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The Meaning of Wife......

“I know exactly what I want.”

“Well then, what do you want?”

“I’ll know it when I see it.”

It was a dark and stormy night…….

Or maybe it was just a conversation I was having with my wife about replacing the paintings and plants in our house.

Apparently we now have paintings and plants that don’t match.

That happens when you remodel.

You have matchless paintings and plants.

If you have paintings and plants that don’t match then you must go on a quest, a mission, an odyssey so to speak.

Which means I must do battle against the forces of Home Depot Expo, Bed Bath and Beyond, Pier One Imports, Aaron Brothers, Michael’s and Ikea.

One of the challenges of the married man is being able to get out of doing stuff without pissing off your wife…. too much.

“May I help you?”

“We seek the Holy Paintings and Plants!!!”

“Stop it don’t be an idiot.”

“Ummm…. We have quite a selection of original paintings as well as some beautiful reproductions. I’d be happy to show you around. Could I get your name?”

It is I, Tony, son of Dominic Calabrese, from the castleof Calabrese. King of my garage, defeater of the front porch spider.”

“Knock it off. My name is Andrea; ignore him he’s an idiot.”

“Excuse me do you have any plants?”


“Yes, we would like… a shrubbery.”

“You are soooo going to pay for this. He means silk plants and he knows you don’t have them here. If you do one more Monty Python line you’re sleeping in the garage.”

“So, basically death awaits for me with nasty big pointy teeth and a damaged Visa card.”


"That doesn’t count, that’s not the whole line, that’s a partial, I get a do over for that one.”

“Dammit just behave.”

“I don’t want to look at paintings or plants. Just buy something, anything, just don’t make them... you know… too chick looking.”

“Chick looking? Chick looking?”

“Ouch!!! That’s alright it’s just a flesh wound!”

"Well next time it will be the whole arm."

"Can’t you just buy paintings of the ocean or ships or a lighthouse or something?”

“No, I know exactly what I want.”

“Well then, what do you want?”

“I’ll know it when I see it.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means we are going to keep looking.”

“Oh goodie.”

“What? Did you say something?”

“I was just thinking that maybe I’d like to stop at the pet store.”

“The pet store?”

“Yes I’d like to get a parrot, a Norwegian Blue Parrot.”

“This is going to go on all day isn’t it?”

“Yep… pretty much.”

“You realize that I know that you’re purposely trying to annoy me so I’ll want to go home.”

“Is it working?”

“Not a chance buster. Take me to IKEA!”

Here’s the thing, women are like the Spanish Inquisition. Their chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Their *two* weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Their *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to Oprah and Dr. Phil....

Oh...and I love Monty Python.