"The Color Fig."

This afternoon I found myself feeling like I was regaining consciousness during what must have been a conversation with my wife.

I hate that feeling.

All of a sudden I realize that she’s talking and I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about.

In my head all I hear is the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher.

I glanced at my watch and realize this “conversation” started about fifteen minutes ago.

What could she be talking about for fifteen minutes?

Guys, we can finish a conversation is about 30 seconds. If we want to say anything else to each other after that we just shrug our shoulders, grunt and nod.

Men can have a six hour conversation without uttering a sound.

Fifteen minutes?

We're near comatose in fifteen minutes.

Thank god I’m a veteran.

After 27 years of marriage I can fake listening for fifteen minutes without even trying.

Hell, I don’t even know I’m doing it. I’m on automatic pilot. It’s survival instinct kicking in.

“What are you doing?”

“What?”

“WHAT…..ARE…..YOU…..DOING?”

“Um.... listening to you?”

“Listening?”

“Uh huh.”

“What did I say?”

“Come on honey you said a ton of stuff.”

“Name one thing.”

“How can I name it? You don’t name stuff you listen to.”

“Tell me what we were talking about.”

(Tell me what “we” were talking about? I don’t remember my lips moving.)

“You know…stuff… about the house…and stuff…..about colors…and stuff….”

“Colors and stuff?”

“Well I was going to talk about colors…. but I hadn’t spoken up yet… I was waiting for you to finish talking.”

“You have no idea what I was talking about do you?”

“Yes I do. Of course I do. I heard everything you said.” (It was hypnotic it put me into a trance.)

“Then tell me one, just one thing I was talking about.”

“Was it figs?”

“FIGS???”

“Yes I distinctly heard you say something about figs.”

“FIGS???”

“You were talking about the color fig for the new couches.”

“THE COLOR FIG??? THERE’S NO COLOR CALLED FIG.”

“Of course there is. If there wasn’t then what color would a fig be?”

“YOU CANNOT CHEWWBACCA YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS BUSTER.”

“Pumpkin, I’m not “Chewbaccaing” you, I thought I heard you say something about the couches being fig colored.”

“Don’t call me pumpkin. Cute nicknames won’t get you out of this.”

(It wasn’t a cute nickname. I said it because you look like a Jack O Lantern when you’re pissed.)

“I SAID… We need to make sure the new couches FIT!!!

“That’s it!!!! That’s what you said. I knew I’d get it. I told you I was listening.”

“What???”

“Fig, fit, that’s pretty close you gotta admit that.”

“You really are a special kind of idiot aren’t you?”

“Yes pumpkin.”