Thursday, November 10, 2005


I have a problem with cell phone providers.

It seems that no matter whom I choose.

I can’t hear them now.

You know that map they brag about when they show you their cell phone coverage areas?

I’m that one little white spot on the map that has no coverage.

Only my little white spot follows me around wherever I go.

I’ve actually had my neighbor call me at my house on my cell phone, from his house on his cell phone, and found myself yelling out the window for him to call me on my house phone because I couldn’t a signal.

Yeah… I know…

And apparently the Mafia has something to do with my current cell phone company because I have to pay $200 to get out my “contract.”

I guess I’m okay with that because it’s “just business.”

I tried to switch cell phone providers again yesterday.

I got to talk to “Scotty” at the cell phone sales booth.

Scotty was the sales rep at this little kiosk from hell whose sole purpose in life was to make me feel like an idiot.

I had to wait for Scotty to stop playing “Ghost Recon” on his “phone” before he could help me.

Oh there was another young man there; his name badge said “Vance”. Vance wasn’t allowed to talk to customers yet. He wasn’t properly trained in filling out the “contract.” So Vance just stood there waiting for Scotty to kill the terrorists in his phone.

When Scotty finished playing the first words out of his mouth were,

“What’s up?”

“I’d like to switch my cell phone service.”


(Why? WHY?)

“Lousy coverage.”

“That’s great sir we have many different plans but you look like our basic 450 minute plan to me.”

(I look like a 450 minute plan? What the does that mean? This guy doesn’t think I have anyone to talk to? People talk to me. There are a lot of people that want to get a hold of me. People call me all the time! I call people all the time. People like talking to me. I could talk for well over 450 minutes. Communist, pull up your pants and go back to college and get real job. This kid probably smokes dope and sleeps on a futon with his X-Box.)

“450 minutes sounds okay I guess.”

“So have you looked at the different phones we have available?”

“I’d like a blue one.”

“That’s our WMD9800. It comes with Bluetooth, MP3, Video and Text messaging, Mobile Web 2.0, e-mail, a camcorder and a 2.0 mega pixel digital camera.”

“I would like a phone that makes phone calls, does it make phone calls?”

“Um… I think so…”

“How much is the blue one?”

“$449.00 with the discount for a two year contract.”

“How much?”

“That phone is $449.00”

“$449.00? Do I get a free picture of Catherine Zeta Jones before she married Michael Douglas and ruined a fantasy of mine with that?

“That’s a different wireless service sir.”

How much for a phone that’s just a phone?”

“We don’t have any phones that are just phones.”

“Look I don’t need MP tooth or camera mail or any of that crap I just want a plain phone.”

“Well they don’t make plain phones anymore you have to get one that has something on it.”

“That’s ridiculous. What’s the least expensive phone you have?”

“I can probably get two cans and a real long piece of string for you sir.”

“Very funny. Just show me the cheapest phone.”

"Okay sir, here’s the BFD8190. It’s $50 but then you get to send in a rebate and you get your $50 back. So it’s like a free phone.”

“Why can’t I just get the phone for free and not have to worry about the rebate.”

“Cause that’s not how it works sir.”

“But that’s stupid. You are selling me a phone for $50. That’s not a free phone.”

“I said it was “like” a free phone.”

“Hey the numbers on this phone are “like” too small; I can’t dial without hitting two numbers at the same time.”

“Well I can upgrade the phone if you sign a longer contract and then you can have this phone for $149.99”

“Is there a rebate?”

“Yes sir.”

“How much is the phone before the rebate?”


“So I send in the rebate form and get $200 back.”

“Yes sir.”

“How long does it take to get my rebate?”

“Six to eight weeks.”

“What if I sign up, get the phone, and find out I don’t get service in my area?”

“Have you looked at our service map sir? We cover almost the entire country. You can even get service in Alaska.”

“I’ll remember that if I ever want six months of darkness. What’s this little white spot on the map in San Diego?”

“Oh that’s some guy that lives in Point Loma. We’re trying to drive him insane by blocking out his signal wherever he goes.”

“Uh huh…. So if I don’t get service?”

“Well sir you’ll be pleased to know you have up to fourteen days to cancel.”

“So if I cancel I get my $200 dollars back when I turn in the phone.”

“Um... no…”

“How long does it take to get my $200 back?”

“Six to eight weeks.”

“So it’s “like” I get my money back, but you guys just get to “like” use it for a while?”

“Well I guess it is kinda like that.”

“So how much are the cans and the string?”

“I can give you those for free sir.”

“Can I play Ghost Recon on them?”

“I don’t think so sir.”