Thursday, October 27, 2005

'Tis the season. I swear, it really is.

The holiday season is upon us.

Actually I think it was upon us at the end of August because that’s when they started selling Halloween candy in the grocery stores.

Next to the day the Girl Scout Cookies come out (Which should be a national holiday) Halloween is my favorite day.

It’s the only time of the year you can actually get your kids to willingly go outside and get some exercise.

I used to send my kids out with king size pillowcases.

Then after they walk door to door for hours begging…

I’d steal their candy.

Um… I mean I would confiscate the dangerous candy.

Because I’m a responsible parent.

I would just take the candy that might have needles or razor blades in them, which in my house were always those delectable little Nestlé’s crunch bars.

And maybe the Three Musketeers Bars.

And Snickers.

And Sweet Tarts. They could be poisonous so I may have taken those as well.

For my kids safety.

That’s what I’d tell them.

It was for their safety.

I don’t understand why they don’t make Halloween National Homeless Peoples Day. Here’s the perfect opportunity for them to get free food.

And they don’t need costumes.

I don’t know who started Halloween. I’ve heard it was the Boston Celtics or the Druids. I think I saw that on the Discovery Channel. It was probably the Egyptians since they already had that whole mummy costume thing going on and if you watch the Discovery Channel you’ll see that they discovered everything, everything except basketball, which was discovered by the Celtics. One of these days they’ll figure out that Stonehenge was the first sports arena.

It wouldn’t surprise me if a woman created Halloween.

I think we all know that at certain times of the month women will kill for candy.

That’s been my personal experience anyway.

The reality is that Halloween was probably created by a fat guy, who was later diagnosed with the first known case of diabetes.

They have different holidays in the Christian world than they do in other religions.

The Muslims just celebrated the opening of the first “Ramada Inn”.

The Jews just celebrated the anniversary of the first album by the band “Sha Na Na”.

I could be wrong.

Christians celebrate holidays like Easter, by eating chocolate rabbits.

This is how they celebrate the death and resurrection of their Lord Jesus Christ.

By biting the heads off chocolate rabbits.

I have my own religion.

I’m a Foodist.

It’s more of a Zen Foodism sort of thing actually.

On Sunday’s, our collection plate comes with mashed potatoes and gravy.


Super sized.

So anyway it’s the holiday season.

Guys trust me on this one.

Start figuring out what you are going to get your woman for Christmas right now.

Do not wait until the last minute and then come home with a hummingbird feeder.

I’ve gotten pretty damn good at picking out a gift for my wife. I didn’t start out that way though. I had to be trained.

For example, I once bought her a trophy, a cup. I had it engraved and everything. I thought it was cool. Unique. Different.

This was not a good idea.

In hindsight, it was just plain stupid.

Never give a woman a trophy.

Unless she’s won something.

But I learned my lesson.

I now know all of her sizes. (By the way guys, always guess sizes on the low side by at least two sizes. Under no circumstance should you ever guess your wife’s size by judging her against the size of a saleswoman. Particularly when sizing the… uh… top.)

Here’s some more advice.

Just in time for the holidays they have come out with the new bankruptcy law, which makes it harder to use bankruptcy to get out of paying your credit cards.

Personally, I’ve always tried to stay away from bankruptcy

‘Cause I’ve heard that it kinda… screws up your credit.

So here’s what I recommend.

Keep not paying your credit cards.

That seems to be working out okay so far.

‘Cause you wouldn’t want to ruin your credit.

They say that this new law will be okay because “after” people get into financial trouble they’ll send them to credit counseling.



Hey! Here’s an idea….


No we’ll teaching the following crap:

If a train is traveling ninety miles an hour carrying four apples, and it’s headed to Chicago which is 300 miles away, and if “X” equals 5.44456 and “Y” equals 8yx, how many dog biscuits will your grandmother eat before she realizes it’s not Melba toast?

I have to stop now before I get political.

Happy Halloween!!