Friday, October 07, 2005

Show Me Crane Technique: Episode II

I get kind of a kick watching my oldest son spending his days in a confused stupor dealing with the effects of his wife's pregnancy. Part of me thinks "paybacks a bitch" but the other part of me thinks as a weathered veteran it is my duty to try to save him.

When he talks to me now I've noticed his brain is so fried that he has lost all semblance of punctuation when he speaks.

"Yes grasshopper, how can I help you my son?"

"Dad please help me I don't know what to do Kim wants a meatball sandwich and orange sherbet from 31 Flavors If I get the meatball sandwich first and then get the orange sherbet by the time I get home the bread from the sandwich will be soggy and she hates soggy bread If I get the orange sherbet first and then get the meatball sandwich by the time I get home the orange sherbet will have started to melt and she hates it when her sherbet melts So I told her I would get the meatball sandwich first drop it off and then go get the sherbet but she wants them at the same time and that if I really loved her I would just do it and then she starts to cry"

"Cinderella, Cinderella, night and day it's Cinderella."

"Please dad not now. I'm in trouble. There is no way to make her happy."

"Look eye, always look eye!"

"I'm afraid to look her in the eye. If I look her in the eye she'll ask me to do something and no matter what it is I'll get it wrong."

"Man who catch fly with chopsticks accomplish anything."

"Dad do we have to do the Mr. Miyagi thing again?"

"No my son, we don't have to..."

"Please dad, I'm afraid she's going to kill me in my sleep. Does this last for the whole nine months? How long do I have to deal with these mood swings?"

"How old are you my son?"

"I'm 25 years old."

"As far as I know, that's how long it lasts."

"Oh my god! I can't do this pregnancy thing. I'm going insane dad. I tried to compliment her the other night and even that got me in trouble."

"What did you say?"

"I told her that her boobs looked bigger."

"Nice. You told her that her boobs looked bigger? Those were your exact words?"

"Umm... Not exactly."

"What EXACTLY did you say?"

"Exactly? Well... I... umm... I held up my arms like I'd scored a touchdown and went, "Woohoo! Your boobs are getting bigger."

I hugged him.

"You are my son."

"Then she got crazy. "So you didn't like my boobs before. I always knew you liked big boobs. Why don't you just admit it you like big boobs. Do you like HER boobs? I'll bet you do. Why don't you call her up and go WOOHOO big boobs?"

"Sweetheart I don't even know her, she's some actress on TV, she's not going to let me check out her boobs."

"But you would if you could, admit it. GO ON ADMIT IT!!!"

"So I said I liked her boobs before but I also like them now that they're bigger. I was trapped, no matter what I said I was a dead man."

"Then she made me go buy Cocoa Puffs and "ham". When I got back she yelled at me for forgetting the milk. So I had to go to 7-11 and get milk and then get home before Lost came on."

"So my son everything turned out okay and you learned a valuable lesson."

"NO! Everything did not turn out okay! She started crying because I bought whole milk! She said if I loved her I would know that she never drank whole milk she only drank 1% milk. So I run back up to 7-11 to get the right milk. When I get home she's eating "Pizza Pockets" and "ham". She doesn't want the Cocoa Puffs anymore. She wanted them at "the time" and I missed "the time."

"What do I do dad? What do I do?"

"Tell her you love her."

"What? That's it? That's your great advice? I've already done that like a million times!!!"

"Tell her you love her for no reason. Tell her you love her when she's brushing her hair. Tell her you love her when she's eating her ham. Tell her you love her when there's no milk. Tell her you love her when you're out of Cocoa Puffs. Tell her you love her before she asks you to do anything."

"Oh... and apologize at the same time. Just wake up and say, "I love you, I'm sorry."

"Seriously dad, were you scared of mom when she was pregnant."

"Always scare, Miyagi hate fighting."

"I knew you couldn't do it without Karate Kid quotes."

"Just one more thing son."


"It gets better. It really does. Then someday you may be standing in this same place telling the same thing to your son."

"You good?"

"Yeah I'm good. Thank you sensei."