Monday, October 10, 2005

Mark this one down as my most embarrassing moment...this week...

This morning I rolled out of bed, threw on my bathrobe, opened the front door to get my newspaper and walked right into.... A SPIDER WEB!!!!!


IT WAS ON ME!!!!!!

There are only two things that scare the hell out of me.

Old people at buffets.... and SPIDERS!!!!!

I'm flailing my arms, kicking my feet trying to do anything to get this thing off of me.

I looked like a white ninja on crack!!!

What would they do on Animal Planet?

STOP, DROP and ROLL!!! (Not a good idea on a cement walkway by the way.)

Isn't that what you are supposed to do?

Hell I don't know but I'm trying anything.

I start beating myself with the newspaper.

With my neighbors watching me...

Across the street from me is a house rented by five college girls that go to the Christian college up the street from us. They like to get up early and go surfing, pray, part the sea, whatever...

I don't think they're used to seeing a 48-year-old man rolling around on the cement beating himself with a newspaper wearing nothing but his bathrobe.

That's just a guess.

In my panic I thought the spider was "in" my bathrobe.

What would you do if you thought you had a spider "in" your bathrobe?

That's right I tore the bathrobe off OKAY???

I'm not ashamed to admit it.

One of the girls across the street dropped to her knees and started praying

The others were laughing.

Hey! It was a cold morning!

I wish I were making this up.

I casually picked up my paper like nothing was wrong and headed back into the house.


It's kind of hard to explain to your wife why you are coming into the house with nothing on but the business section of the newspaper.

"Do I even want to know?"


"Where is your robe?"


"You left your robe outside?"

"Yes I did."

"And there's a good reason for leaving your robe outside?"

"Yes there is."

"And that reason would be?"

"I was attacked by Brown Recluse Spiders."


"I think there were three of them, some sort of gang, they threw me down and tried to bite me. I managed to beat them off with the paper and my robe."

"Idiot. Put some clothes on and go get your robe."

"You go get my robe."

"You want your wife to go get your robe off the sidewalk because you're afraid of a spider?"

"Noooooo. I want you to set my robe on fire or give it to a homeless person because I'm never wearing that robe again."

"What did you do to those Christian girls across the street?"

"I think they're giving funeral rites to one of the spiders. I may have killed him with the sports section."

"Tell me again why I married you."

"Because you saw me without my robe on a "warm" day?"

"Try again."

"Because I complete you?"