Friday, October 28, 2005

I think I've been cursed by grandmothers!!!

Okay, I’m not a superstitious man but something happened today that makes me think there is definitely strange “Mojo” out there.

In my last post I made a reference to grandmothers confusing dog biscuits with Melba toast. A harmless reference which in hindsight is only marginally funny, unless of course you have a dog… and a grandmother... who comes over to your house and raids the kitchen cabinets looking for Melba Toast.

I can honestly say that I don’t use the words “dog” and “biscuit” in the same sentence very often. Hmmm…. Probably less than four times a year, let’s call it three times.

This morning I was interviewed “live” by a local television news station. Now I don’t personally know the news “reporter” that interviewed me. We have met before at different local events but he is not what I would call a close personal friend.

The first words out of his mouth were, “Hey paisan, How U doin?”

I’m Italian.

I use that phrase all the time. So I’m okay with this, it’s just not what I expected from a news “reporter”.

He then says, “Hey, Calabreeez, you lost a lot of weight, you look good.”

“Um…. Thanks?”

“You know I keep in shape myself. I do my own modified Atkins diet.”

“Hey… that’s great… thanks for sharing.”

“I’ll let you in on a little secret.”

“No really, don’t tell me, I can’t keep a secret.”

“Seriously, it will help you stay in shape. I got this stuff. It’s in my car.”

(What in the hell is going on here? Am I being punked? This is a gag; it has to be a gag.)

“Shouldn’t we do the interview first?”

“Oh we’ve got time. We don’t go live for another 45 minutes.”

We got outside to his car, (royal blue corvette with chrome rims) and he opens the trunk.

“I know this is going to sound weird but I snack on these babies all day.”

“Uhh…those are dog biscuits.”

“Yeah I know, totally organic, no meat byproducts, they taste like peanut butter, try one they’re addictive.”


“Trust me. Just try one.”

At this point I’m thinking, do I throw away a television opportunity or piss off Lassie?

“Boy…they’re a little dry.”

“I know, I think dogs have more saliva than humans so they munch em right down. But they taste great don’t they?”

I am now faced with insulting a local television legend or saying that my next food addiction is going to be dog biscuits.

“Yeah… they’re like “Lays” potato chips.”

“Ha! I know. Bet you can’t eat just one. HA!”

“I could try.”

“I don’t think these babies have any calories. There’s no calories listed on the jar. I’m hooked on these. Plus I think they’re good for your teeth.”

(Come on jump out from wherever you are and tell me I’m on candid camera or something.)

“Here, go ahead have another one.”

“I…uh…have to go to a luncheon…I don’t want to fill up. I might offend the host if I don’t eat.”

“No problem, take this jar with you. I have more at home. I watch late night TV and just snack em right out of the jar.”

There are surreal times in your life when you have to make split second decisions.

Decisions that may change your destiny.

I am now typing this while staring at a jar of organic dog biscuits.

Peanut butter flavored organic dog biscuits.

Oh I did the TV interview.

Because apparently I have no dignity and crave attention.

I did the interview with dog biscuit parts stuck in my teeth.

That’s a flavor you will never forget.

I’m supposed to let him know when I run out of dog biscuits. He’ll “hook me up” with his supplier.

I think I may have been doing doggy drugs from the trunk of a corvette.

Is this what stardom is really like?

I am convinced this is happened because I picked on grandmothers in my last post.

I would like to apologize to all Melba toast eating grandmothers everywhere.

Please… I beg you…lift this curse.