Sunday, October 02, 2005

The Aliens Have LANDED!!!!

The aliens have landed.

No, really, they have.

At first I thought they were Ooompa Loompas but now I'm sure they're from another planet.

I saw them myself.

I'm an eyewitness.

They had to be aliens.

There isn't a human on the planet that has a foot and toes that shape.

They were five of them in a pack or herd or flock or whatever they call it. Short, fat, possibly female, with these weird shoes that had a one-inch heel and this long pointy end.

I mean loooong pointy end.

I think they use their feet as a weapon.

They were probably a warrior scout party, possibly some sort of Ninja.

They were speaking a language that sounded vaguely familiar. I think I've heard it at fast food restaurants before but I wasn't close enough to confirm it.

They kind of waddled when they walked. They also snarled a lot. They had this odd expression on their faces. Like they were in pain but they wouldn't admit it.

They had what could only be explained as huge purses but I think they were actually storage packs for specimens they were collecting.

It was frightening but if I ran away no one would believe me. I had to find their source and report back to the authorities.

Using all the skills I learned from watching the Discovery Channel and Animal Planet I followed at a safe distance.


In my head I was talking to myself with an Australian accent.

I don't know how to type with an Australian accent so you'll just have to imagine it in your heads as well.

Whenever they would turn and look my way I would freeze.

"Stay perfectly still", that's what they tell you, "Stay perfectly still."

"Crikey that was close." (Okay I can type a little Australian.)

I didn't want to anger them. They might have been hunting...or looking for a mate.

Either way my life was at risk.

Dodging in and out of doorways and at times pretending I was a tree I managed track them to......Neiman Marcus?

"What the hell are you doing?"


"Why are you jumping around like John Belushi in Animal House?"

"I'm um....tracking....aliens?"

"Aliens? At the Fashion Valley Mall? You can't just go shopping with me you have to make a scene?"

"Look at those women honey they're aliens. Look at their feet. Those shoes. No one has a foot that shape."

"Idiot. Knock it off."

"Can't I just go hang out at Sharper Image and play with the gadgets no one has any real use for until you're done?"

"Five minutes, you can't behave for five minutes?"

"I'm bored out of my mind. Can I at least window shop at Cinnabon?"

"No stay out of the food court. It's embarrassing the way you press you face up to the glass."

"Honey can I ask you a question?"


"Why do women were those shoes?"

"To make us angry enough to kill you quickly."

"I actually understand that. Crikey!!! I CAN communicate with women."

"Go sit in the car."

"Thank you honey... You complete me."