Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I didn't even know she converted.....

I never intended to talk or write about airport security but I can't let this one go.

We are standing in line at the airport waiting to have our carryon luggage and our shoes x-rayed and my wife says, "I suppose everything about our Las Vegas trip is going to end up in your act or in stupid blog of yours isn't it?"

"Excuse me ma'am is this your luggage?"

"Why?"

"Is this your bag ma'am?"

"Yes that's my bag."

"I'm afraid we need to open your bag and search the contents."

"Why?"

"Ma'am, there appears to be a knife in your bag ma'am."

(I do not know this woman.)

"A knife? There's no knife in MY bag."

"I'm fairly certain there's a knife in your bag. Bag check here please."

(I definitely do not know this woman.)

"Sir are you two traveling together."

"Nope. Never seen this woman before in my life."

"He's my idiot husband."

"Agent Thompson is going to open and search your bag now ma'am."

"Why would I have a knife? There's no knife in my suitcase."

"Can I put my shoes back on in case I need to run from her?"

"Sir we don't joke about this sir, I'm just doing my job."

"Here it is ma'am. A pocket knife, stainless steel, three inch blade, inside this black case."

(MY WIFE IS A TERRORIST!!!!)

(OSAMA BIN ANDREA!!!)

(I always knew there was something fishy about her.)

"That's not my knife."

"Well it's in your suitcase lady."

("Lady?" She was "ma'am" just a second ago, now she's "lady?")

"It must belong to one of our kids. Tony did Anthony or A.J. borrow our luggage?"

(That's it blame our sweet darling children.)

"I see nothing, I hear nothing, I know nothing...."

"You're dead mister."

(Officer she's threatening me...)

"You have two choices."

(Oh God... they're taking her to Guantanamo. I wonder if she can snag me a couple of Cuban cigars?)

"You can check your luggage with the knife, or you can leave it with us."

(That's it? That's all she gets? Give her a ticket, something! Tell her she is not allowed to do any shopping while she's in Vegas.)

"Tony what should we do?"

"IT'S NOT MY KNIFE!!! JUST BECAUSE I'M ITALIAN YOU ASSUME I KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT IT??? LET EM KEEP THE DAMN KNIFE."

We're now waiting for our flight......

"Way to stick up for me babe."

"You're a terrorist. I'm traveling with a terrorist. I didn't even know you were Muslim. This is because you watch that stupid show "24" isn't it?"

"Oh you don't know what true terror is yet."

"Is that why you're polishing your Visa card?"

"Very funny numbnuts, just out of curiosity, where are your shoes?"

"What? OH MY GOD!!!! Homeland Security has my NIKE's!!!"

"ATTENTION, WE WILL NOW BEGIN PREBOARDING FOR THOSE PASSENGERS WITH SMALL CHILDREN AND ANYONE REQUIRING ASSISTANCE."

(I need assistance. I definitely need assistance. I'm traveling with a terrorist and I don't have my shoes.)

Viva Las Vegas!!!!

To be continued.....