Tuesday, September 13, 2005


I'm watching the Charger game and I am yelling coaching instructions at the TV because apparently I think that there is some way for the San Diego Chargers coaching staff to hear me so that they can deal with the fact they haven't had a pass rush SINCE LESLIE O'NEAL PLAYED FOR THE TEAM!!!!!

When in walks my wife.

I have two options at this point.




So I'm sitting on the couch trying to slit my wrists with the DVD Remote....

The conversation went something like this.

"Why do you yell at the TV?"

"Because through the magic of TV they can hear me?"

"Don't be a smart ass. It doesn't make sense for you to be yelling at the TV."

"It helps to relieve stress, it's like smoking."

"You don't smoke."

"Okay it's like a heroin addiction."

"You're making jokes about heroin addiction? You think people that have drug problems would think that's funny?"

(She's trying to break my concentration. I'm trying to coach here...must...not...let...her...speak....)

"SSHHHH!!! Just let me yell at the TV in peace please."

"Oh you did not shush me."

(Time to die Iron Eagle!!)

"Shush you? No I was going to swear but I held back to set a good example for our grandson. That's what I was doing, the SSHHHH sound, I almost swore but I held it in. I should at least get some credit for that. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GIVE TOMLINSON THE F*&^*^G FOOTBALL!!!!!!"


"Nice Example. The whole neighborhood can hear you yelling at the TV."

"I'm part of the new Neighborhood Watch Program."

"You are really pushing it mister."

"I'm begging you please let me watch the game."

"Are they still running a zone defense?"

(What? Jesus Christ she's pretending she knows what a zone defense is. There's got to be a way to kill myself with this remote. Maybe I can electrocute myself.)

"Really? Zone defense. Would you say the Chargers run a "plethora" of zone defenses?"

"Yes, El Numbnuts. They run a plethora."

"Honey, what's a plethora?"

"Don't make me have to kill you."

Women, and I'm speaking to all of you, you will never understand football.

Oh you fake it.... But you don't really understand it. It's a lot like sex... actually...we're okay with that...ummm...keep doing that.....

I know there are a few women getting pissed off already.

What if I can prove to you that there is not a woman on the planet that truly understands football?

Are you willing to take a little test?

Okay I want all the women to say the following line. But you can only say it if there is a man with you when you do. I don't care if the man is ninety or nine. He can even be gay. Okay maybe not flamboyantly gay, just mildly gay. But a man has to hear you say the line.

Now ladies say the following line out loud.

"The frozen tundra of Lambeau Field."

That's what I mean.

Now men, say it the way it's supposed to be said.


Even the gay guys got it.

Men, how many of you got that sour feeling in the back of your throat when you said it? How many of you felt your eyes get a little misty?

Women will never get it.

We love football.

Not because of the game.

We don't really care about the game.

We love it because it's ours ladies.

It's all we have left.

You've taken everything else.

Our closet space, the good spot on the couch, our ability to pick out our own clothes, our dignity, our egos and our manhood....

But you can't have football.

It's ours.

Oh you try.

It started with the cheerleaders.

Who the hell cares about the cheerleaders during an NFL football game? I have never heard 35,000 people at an NFL game shout to the other half of the stadium, "We've got spirit yes we do, we've got spirit how bout you?"

(Quick off topic question.) Is it just me or does it seem like high school cheerleaders are always the girls who are the most fertile? That just popped into my head, sorry.

Then there are those so called "sports reporters."

Nothing is more annoying than those female "sports reporters" that try to sound intelligent when they're standing on the sidelines reading from a cue card.

They don't get it.

First of all it's football.

There's nothing intelligent about it. Have you ever listened to John Madden? Does he sound intelligent?

It's not about intelligence!!!!

Wait... that didn't come out right...

Football is ours and there's nothing you can do about it.

Well...there's that one thing.


Never mind.