The Viagra Monologues

I'm afraid of old women.

I'm sitting here right now smelling like mothballs, Ben Gay, and flowers trying to scrub old lady make up off the side of my face.

I just feel so cheap right now.

So used.

Why do these octogenarians need to kiss me on the mouth every time they say hello or goodbye?

I have to play dodge ball with my face so that they think I'm going for the lips but turn to my cheek at the last possible second.

There's always that one that grabs your face so that you have to try to swivel your lips out of the way.

Go ahead try it right now. It's not that easy to have fast swiveling lips.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if they'd kiss me with their mouths closed and not grab my butt.

Or if they had money.

Or food.

Or they shaved.

Is this my future?

My midlife crisis is me being molested by senior citizens?

I don't even want a midlife crisis. My wife won't let me have one anyway.

When I was in my twenties I'd look at a young hot babe and say, "She wants me."

Now that I'm forty eight I look at a young hot babe and say, "That's too much work."

So I don't want a midlife crisis I just want HDTV.

I blame all this on Viagra and Levitra and Demi Moore.

There needs to be a law, an age limit, something.

I don't want go to family gatherings anymore.

They're like octogenarian orgies.

They look at me like I'm a piece of meat.

Undressing me with their cataracts.

Then they look at me again because they can't remember they looked at me like a piece of meat five minutes ago.

Old women are pigs.

I feel dirty.

I guess I'll be okay as long as I don't pull a muscle in my face trying to evade them.

Pray for me.