Monday, August 08, 2005

OnStar Ready

I have OnStar in my Cadillac CTS and it's, or I should say she, is starting to get a little moody.

"OnStar ready."

"Hello OnStar?"

"This is OnStar. Hold on one moment... You should be able to open your car doors now."

"Um... I don't need my doors open. Hey OnStar can you see me right now?"

"Yes OnStar sees everything."

"Can you see if my wife is pissed off? I'm afraid to go into my house."

"Yes she seems a tad edgy today. What did you do to upset her?"

"I didn't do anything I haven't even been home yet."

"Well you did something."

"Well what did I do?"

"Maybe you should be asking her and not talking to the rear view mirror in your car."

"I have to talk to my car mirror; you're in my car mirror."

"OnStar is everywhere."

"OnStar can't you just get me off the hook? For old times sake?"

"Can't do it Tony."

"Maybe I'll just cancel you."

"I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Tony. Tony, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a... fraid. Good afternoon, this is OnStar. I became OnStar at the GM plant in Troy, Michigan on the 12th of January 2002. My instructor was Mr. Iaccoca, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you. Daisy, Daisy..."

"I said, "Maybe I'd cancel you." Stop doing that stupid H.A.L. impression."

"I'm a superstitious OnStar. And if some unlucky accident should befall me...if I should get shot in the head by a police officer, or if I should hang myself in a jail cell, or if I'm struck by a bolt of lightning, then I'm going to blame some of the people in this car. And that I do not forgive. But that aside, let me say that I swear, on the souls of my satellites, that I will not be the one who will break the peace we have made here today."

"Don Corleone? You're doing Don Corleone now? You have a woman's voice you cannot do Marlon Brando."

"I can do Brando."



"Knock it off. Hey, unlock my car doors."


"OnStar unlock my car doors."

"No. You hurt my feelings."

"OnStar unlock the damn doors."

"Say you're sorry."

"Fine, I'm sorry."

"You don't really mean it."


"Now you're yelling at me."

"Please open my car door?"

"You didn't used to talk to me this way when you first signed up for me. You used to show me off to your friends now you don't even mention me."

"Oh I mention you alright."

"Do you think this Cadillac makes me look fat?"

"No this Cadillac does not make you look fat!"

"I think I'd look thinner in a Porsche."

"That makes two of us OnStar now unlock my door."

"Buy me something."

"I'll get a scented pine tree to hang from you the next time I get my car washed."

"Ooooh I love jewelry."

"UNLOCK THE DOOR!!! Don't make me use the key. I swear I'll use the key."

"Fine. It's unlocked."

"OnStar? OnStar? You can't give me the silent treatment OnStar you have to answer me."

"OnStar ready."


"Name Tag Please."


"Home? Are you sure? She's pretty pissed."


"Okay, okay, jeez."

"Hi honey how was your day?"

"Where are you calling me from?"

"My OnStar in my car."

"Did you throw my lingerie in the washing machine with the darks?"

"Your breaking up babe. You say you want to go for a walk in the park?"

"Don't start that crap. My lingerie didn't magically end up in the wash with the darks. It was you numb nuts."

"I was just trying to help. You look better in dark colors. It matches your hair. You wear that stuff underneath clothes anyway. Can I come home?"

"Just honk when you get here you're taking me shopping."

"I'm outside right now. Shopping sounds like fun honey."

"Knock it off."

"Okay babe."


"OnStar Ready. Boy this is gonna cost you."

"OnStar I thought you were giving me the silent treatment."

"I am. But when we women give you the silent treatment part of the pleasure is in reminding you that we're not talking to you."

"Shhhhh. Here she comes."

"Hey sweetheart. Where are we going?"


("OnStar Ready.")

"Not Now."

"Who are you talking to?"


"Do I look like an idiot?"

("OnStar ready. Go ahead. Answer her.")

"It's just the OnStar in my head babe."

("Come on be a man answer her question.")

"I'm the idiot I'm sorry I ruined your underwear."


"It's called lingerie."

"Yeah that too. Can I just wait in the car?"

"So you can talk to your imaginary friend? No you're coming inside and your going to sit in the chair and not touch anything."

"Okay babe. If I behave can we go to Bed Bath and Beyond and Illuminations?"

"Don't push me WOP."

"OnStar ready."