Friday, August 12, 2005

Life Sucks and Then You Die - But at least I have a good attitude.

I used to work in a place that had these motivational quotes on every wall in the building. They even had them over the urinals in the restrooms.

Somehow "Attitude Is Everything" just doesn't cut it when you have a swollen prostate.

Come on, no one cares about attitude as long as you are making your numbers. You can be Osama Bin Laden and no one is going to care as long as you exceed last month's goals.

For you young people entering the real world looking for an exciting career remember the following, any time you go to a job interview and you see one of these motivational quotes on the wall there are three things you need to know.

Number one: The Human Resources Department is full of optimistic assholes that think this happy peepee caca on the walls will take the place of real training or a decent salary. Count on this company having a monthly barbecue where senior management shows up for five minutes to flip a burger to show they're part of the team.

Number two; never work for a company that has this poster:

"There's no "I" in team."

That's because there is no team. You're it.

This company is understaffed and you'll be doing twice the work. There may not be an "I" in "team" but rearrange the letters and you get "meat" which is what this company will treat you like if you go to work there.

Number three: Never work for a company that has its offices decorated with motivational quotes and plastic plants. Most big banks fall into this category.

You have now entered a business that thinks it needs to institute a sales culture while deluding themselves into thinking they give great service. They will offer customers some stupid "service guarantee" which does nothing except freak out the front line staff who turnover faster than Ricky's Hot Apple Pancakes.

These companies love to tell staff they are not really selling they are actually giving great service by "determining customer needs", which is bank talk for "sell them an equity loan."

I know what I need and it's more tellers and a drive-up window, not some kid that worked at Burger Barn two days earlier, (so he or she has cash handling experience) and now has a fake marketing title with the word "manager" in it trying to tell me to REFINANCE MY HOUSE!!!

Here's another stupid motivational quote.

"Rule #1 - If we don't take care of the customer somebody else will."

I don't know about you but I always thought it was kind of nice to have someone backing me up.

My first manager use to have this gem on his desk.

"Positive thinkers grease the axles of the world."

Yeah, well so do careless joggers.

I'm sure you've seen this one.

"Make It Happen."

I just know that Bush has this one above the urinal in the Presidential Potty.

Liberals you don't get off that easy. I'm sure Hillary has an "Attitude is Everything." senatorial thong.

The most absurd place I ever saw for a motivational quote was on a bumper sticker on a homeless guys shopping cart. It said:

"Yesterday is but a dream. Tomorrow, a vision of hope."

Hey sport how about today, today, you get off your ass and get a job. How about putting down the hooch and taking a shower for a change?

I know, I know, I'm being politically incorrect. That poor homeless man probably had his high paying job taken by an illegal alien.

There are some organizations that don't need motivational quotes.

Like the Mafia.

I just can't see Tony Soprano with a "There is no I in Team" tee-shirt.

The Catholic Church could use some motivational quotes.

"Rule #1 - No touching."

I feel like my writing is a little bitter today. Maybe it's because of the following comment that was left on my last post.

"You *are* pretty funny for an old dude."

Oh joy...

That comment along with the following scenario is just bugging me:

I got off the stage at The Comedy Store the other night and this smoking hot twenty something year old wants to buy me a drink.

That's right! Who da man?

We go to over to the bar and she says, (in front of four other comedians so that I will never be allowed to forget the moment)

"It was really cool to see someone as old as my "dad" make me laugh."

Oh joy...

Don't get me wrong.

I took the drink.

It was water with a slice of lime.

I'm too old to have any real alcohol after 8:00pm.

Plus I don't want to blow my diet.

I have a horrible urge to watch Matlock right now.

Attitude is everything......