Monday, August 22, 2005

I'm no Ron Burgundy but I can spell Chewbacca!!!

Today my grandson came into my office, didn't say hi, hello, how's the weather? No, he walks in looks right at me and asks, "Poppa, are you Ron Burgundy?"

I've never laughed so hard in my life.

RON BURGUNDY??? My son let him watch Anchorman and now he thinks his grandpa is Ron Burgundy. I love this kid.

Then I thought.....

Ron Burgundy? I look like Ron Burgundy?

I went to a mirror.


I don't look like Ron Burgundy.


OH MY GOD!!!!!


I have a 70's porn star moustache!!!!

I feel dirty.

I also feel sexy in an odd way, but dirty.

Then I started to say lines I thought would be from a 70's porn movie to myself in the mirror.

We never said "Who's your daddy?" in the 70's. That would be wrong.

I think I said something like, "Oh Tony I'm soooo excited. It's soooo big."

Then I started to laugh about it.

With my grandson watching.

Yeah...I forgot he was there.

(Go ahead. Rat me out to my wife. Everybody else does.)

Here's the thing about three year olds. If you're around one, you don't need a parrot.

Now he's laughing running around saying, "I'm sooooo excited. It's sooo big."

And I am soooo dead...

How do I get out of this one?

Have you ever tried to reason with a three year old?

It's a lot like trying to negotiate a peace plan between Israel and the Palestinians while speaking Zulu.

I finish telling him that he can never do this around grandma and he says, as predicted, "Why Poppa?"

He then repeats "Why?" about seven thousand times.

That's when I use a variation of "The Chewbacca Defense."

What's "The Chewbacca Defense?"

It's a way of talking to people when you're in a argument or discussion that uses absolute nonsense to get them so confused you win or they give up.

I've been doing this since I was fourteen I just didn't have a name for it. Leave it to South Park to come up with the perfect name. It's in an episode called "Chef Aid."

I knew something redeeming would come out of that show.

I use the "The Chewbacca Defense" with my wife all the time.

"60% of the time it works every time."

Don't get upset ladies, you use the "Chewbacca Offense" every damn day.

So I'm doing a little variation of this with my grandson.

"You see Alex; 2000 years ago the Pharaoh Tutantony the III was walking out of a 7-11 in New Delhi when he saw a mouse with a thorn in his paw. "What big ears you have." said the mouse to the Pharaoh. "You need a hat." And that Alex is why The Easter Bunny never goes to Chuckie Cheese on the weekends."

You get the picture.

My oldest son once told me that he used to get in fights at school all the time because of stuff that I made up that he believed. Like the time I told him that Rambo worked at the Union 76 station by our house selling lemonade to the homeless.

What the hell, it stimulated their imagination and made them tougher.

So I spend about thirty minutes rambling about nothing to my grandson when in walks my wife.

You know it's really sad when she already has that look on her face and she doesn't even know if I've done anything wrong yet.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm not doing anything."

(Oh please God I swear I'll never .....)

"Alex is Poppa behaving?"


"You're asking a three year old?"

"At least I'll get a straight answer."

"Poppa is Ron Burgundy."


"Huh? Umm...Yes...Yes I did. That's it we watched, Anchorman. I'm guilty okay? A man and his grandson can't watch a little historical comedy? You realize that Anchorman was based on a San Diego news reporter? I'm trying to educate our grandson but you hate history. You'd rather he watch Dr. Phil, Oprah or 7th Heaven. Well I'm here to say that I alone will standup and defend his right to learn!!!"

"Don't you use that Chewbacca crap with me I can't believe you'd let him watch Anchorman. Do you work at being irresponsible or is it just a gift?"

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
(It's a gift)

"Alex come with grandma, look I've got an apple for you.

"I'm sooooo excited. It's sooo big."