Monday, August 15, 2005

I'll have a decaf hammer in a venti cup please!

I'm not exactly Mr. Handyman. I realize this comes as a complete shock to most of you. I never wanted to be a handyman because, I have,

I call an expert to fix everything.

I don't do tools. I don't do Home Depot. Those orange vests they wear freak me out. Plus I don't need my male ego bashed by these hardware baristas that make me feel like an idiot every time I go into the store.

"Cun I hep ya?"

"I need a hammer"

"We got Vaughn, Estwing, Fatmax, Stanley..."

"Umm... Venti. Can I get a Venti?

They have a hammer section.

They have hammers.

That's plural.

Why do you need more than one kind of hammer?

It's a hammer.

You pound things with it.

I think that even I could design one hammer that would pretty much handle any job. Let's see... get a stick ...tie a rock on the end of it.


Home Depot has a "Know How" department. This is where you can learn, "How to troubleshoot an electrical problem, build a deck, install cabinet doors or lay out a garden bed, step by step."


Do they really want people like me playing with electricity?

They even have kids workshops!!! This is why we have teenagers walking around with their ass hanging out the back of their pants. They've been training to be plumbers at Home Depot!!!

There needs to be a law.

I hate it when my wife forces me to go to Home Depot and then she comes with me. When she comes with me I don't even bother to try and sound intelligent.

"Cun I hep ya?"

"She made me come here."

My wife thinks that just because I'm a male I should have genetically inherited the, carpenter, plumber, and electrician gene.

Any time something breaks I have to pretend that I know what's wrong but after careful analysis I determine it needs a professional.

"Sorry honey I'd fix it myself but that's a thrombos modulator valve problem and you know how dangerous those can be."

"The light bulbs just burned out in the hallway."

" can never be to sure I wouldn't want to expose myself to homogenous radiation. It could make me sterile."

"Just change the light bulb."

"It's too high, and I hate pulling that cover thing off because there's always dead spiders in there."

"Are you seriously thinking that I'm going to change that light bulb?"

"No... Not seriously. Can't we just forget this bulb and save a little on the electric bill?

"Save on the electric bill? One hallway light bulb?"

"Fine but if I fall it's on your head. If a Black Widow spider is just faking death and smites me down it will be on your head. Remember that. Remember what you will tell our grandchildren, that you caused my death. I hope you're satisfied."

"Are you done?"

"NO! What if when I'm standing on the chair I have a brain aneurysm, lose my balance, and fall and break your favorite crystal vase? What then? Hmmm? Well don't blame me."

"Now are you done?"

"What if I don't "feel" like changing the light bulb?

"Do you ever want to have sex again?"

"Maybe I do and maybe I don't. Maybe I'll cut you off. Did you ever think about that? Two can play at that game. Do I ever want to have sex again? Um.... I'll get the bulb. Would you hold the chair steady?"

"Honey? I think I need a hammer."