Monday, August 29, 2005

I see dead Cartwrights... and pretty colors.

Here's a sentence I'll bet none of you have ever heard before.

"I'm redecorating the downstairs and you are not going to be involved in choosing the colors because you have "Ponderosa" taste."

Told you.

That's just great.

My wife is going to remodel and pick out the colors by herself.

My living room is going to end up looking like a float in the gay pride parade.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I don't know why she thinks I have "Ponderosa" taste. Our house does not look like a ranch. There's no cowboy crap anywhere. I don't even watch reruns of "Bonanza" anymore.

Sure I liked Hoss but you should never name a child "Little Joe". He's just going to get his ass kicked in school. I was never real fond of Lorne Greene. I think Raymond Burr would have made a better Ben Cartwright.

But that's just me.

(Side note, I think the original Battlestar Galactica would have been much better with a Hop Sing character and not that stupid robot dog named "Muffy".)

How can she say I have Ponderosa taste?

Here's the deal. I think if it's made out of wood it should be, oh I don't know, BROWN!!!

I like my wood brown okay.

I've never seen pastel colored tree trunks.

If I buy a table or chair or desk and it's made out of wood then it should be brown.

This does not include "wicker".

"Wicker Brown" is not a brown color, its wicker. It's the color of wicker.

I don't do wicker.

My father told me that only communists and people who do drugs buy wicker furniture.

"Communists and drug addicts own wicker furniture and futons and they sit on them and smoke "the pot."

I can prove it.

Wicker is made of bamboo.

Pandas eat bamboo.

Pandas are Chinese.

Chinese are communists.

Drug addicts use to live in "communes."

Drug addicts living in communes supported the communists during the Vietnam War.

I'm no communist drug addict.

Brown is not the only color I like.

I like blue and I like green, plain old blue and plain old green. I can take a light or dark blue or green but not some foofoo blue or green.

Not pastels.

Pastels are not colors, they're kind of colors. Look at any pastel. Look at a pastel green. It wants to be green. It's yearning to be green. But it just can't seem to pull it off.

Pastels are lazy colors that promote laziness.

You never see a factory painted in pastels. Not even a paint factory. Only offices are painted in pastels, offices with people sitting around doing nothing. Why? They are infected with the pastel, can't quite do it, laziness virus.

I also like black and white.

I think the walls of a house should be some version of the white family like Navajo White, (I know the politically incorrect police will eventually get that name changed) Eggshell White or Off White. I'll even concede a cream color. But don't bring me color samples of "Purple Whites". Purple Whites are not white, they are purple. I never found a crayon the color of "Frosty Morning." Not even in the jumbo Crayola box.

Let's talk about carpet for a second.

If you have a three-year-old grandson and occasionally baby-sit two pit bulls...


I've been down this road before and my wife and I will never agree on furniture styles, carpet or paint colors. We've been married 27 years and we've never agreed.

Not once.

This is where you learn in your marriage about the value of compromise. Compromise is a Latin word that means, "You're going to give in to her anyway you might as well try to get something out of it."

My wife then adds the following statement.

"We can save money by painting it ourselves. My sister and Ana paint rooms in their houses all the time."

"Really? How much do you think they'd charge us?"

So because her sister and her cousin's wife are the Laverne and Shirley of the paint bucket brigade I'm supposed to get sucked into this?

Nope. Ain't gonna happen. I'm no handyman. I proved that when I electrocuted myself hanging wallpaper.

Apparently you're not supposed to hang wet wallpaper over a live electric outlet and then smooth it out with your hand.

You might want to make a note of that little tip.

Don't say I never gave you anything.

I believe in letting the professionals do their jobs. If they were smart enough to sneak across the border then they are smart enough to paint my house.

I'm an American.

I want to pump money back into the economy.

"Doing it yourself" is unpatriotic and in the end you get a living room that's only good for Cookie Lee parties and watching Oprah.

If you watch a football game in a pastel colored living room by the time you get to half time you're saying stuff like, "How come they don't show more of the cheerleaders?", and the next thing you know you're channel surfing trying to find reruns of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

It's not right I tell you. It's just not right.

I'm going to make a stand.

I'm the man of this house.

Can I please pick out the couch?


It's only fair.

That's where I'm going to be sleeping when she reads this.