Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The Wonders of the Pharoahs, Breasts and Chocolate

As you may have surmised from my previous post I went to Los Angeles with some friends on Saturday to see the King Tut exhibit at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art.

Here's a quick history lesson. King Tut ruled Egypt when he was nine years old. I've known nine-year-old children. I've had two of them.

When my sons were nine one of them used our stapler as a hammer to build a fort, the other made a Samurai sword out of the vacuum cleaner attachments.

This is not necessarily the best age to rule an empire.

We took the train up from San Diego to LA and then had a limousine take us to the museum.

No I am not an elitist snob that needs to be driven around LA in a limousine. I rent a chauffer driven limousine every time I go to LA for medical reasons. I don't want to kill or maim someone in LA traffic, because LA traffic would turn me into a freeway shooter.

Before I continue with this you might want to put some Egyptian music on. If you don't have any Egyptian music just tune your TV to the History or Discovery Channels. No luck there then sing the Steve Martin favorite, "King Tut".

Don't be annoying; sing it in your head.

The King Tut exhibit called, "Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharoahs" is incredible.

I had purchased VIP tickets to the exhibit and thank God I did. There was a Disneyland style line of peasants waiting in general admission dressed in their Wal-Mart summer active wear sweating their asses off.

There were hundreds of these people in line and we walked right in. Now I know how the Romanoff's must have felt just before the Russian revolution.

It feels real good.

Security there is similar to Amtrak security. There's one guy yelling at the women to open their purses so he can check for illegal contraband that might be smuggled in to the exhibit. I'm not sure what they were looking for but I swear the woman in front of me had the head of a baby in her purse.

They shuttle our group like cattle to a dark room. I think they pumped in the smell of ancient Egyptians as well.

A screen appears above us and we see a short film narrated by Omar Sharif and the head of the Egyptian Antiquities Supreme Holy Council, Dr. Obi Wan Kanobi (something like that) giving you a brief history of Egypt and the Pharoahs and of course, King Tutankhamun.

The doors open and our journey began with our viewing of some of the most beautiful pieces of ancient Egyptian artifacts you will ever hope to see.

You hope to see them once you fight your way through the thousands of people they have now wedged into the room.

(Turn down the sound now so the music is just in the background. Do that in your head too.)

We went from room to room, each room filled with display cases with items more incredible than the previous room. Each room also more packed with people than the previous room as well. We were sardines.

I'm not proud but I did give a forearm shiver to an old woman who wouldn't move from the display of the Chair of Sitamun.

The intensity was building as we reached the room with King Tut's golden-jeweled dagger.

Here we saw the most magnificent breasts I have ever seen on a woman in my life. She was standing on the other side of the glass display case so I think that may have magnified them.

It dawned on me at that moment that even in the midst of all this ancient wonder, we men will still find the time to identify and rate every woman in the place.

It dawned on me....... I didn't say it made me stop doing it.

When we left this room we were greeted with a video theorizing about King Tut's death and a replica of his skull.

Breathless with anticipation we moved on to what we knew would be the most incredible finale we could possibly hope for (TURN UP THE MUSIC AND SING OUT LOUD NOW) and we turned the corner and entered.........

The gift shop of King Tut.

The gift shop of King Tut?

Oh the wonders!!!!!!!

Chocolate heads of King Tut..... on a stick, authentic King Tut postcards and pens, books, calendars, stuffed King Tut dolls, King Tut hats, tee shirts and coffee mugs.

Not to mention the King Tut junk jewelry.


Shut the music off now.

Do it in your head too.

We have just seen some of the most amazing ancient artifacts on the planet and now we need to buy King Tut's chocolate head on a stick?

You gotta love this country.

I heard the following, "Hey Timmy, why don't you get some of that King Tut Silly Putty to remind you of what you saw when you get older?"

I don't even know how to respond to that.

I wanted to beat them to death with my King Tut chocolate head on a stick.

I just wonder if three thousand years from now people, or whatever mutants are roaming this earth, will be going to a museum to see the King Bush and the Golden Age of Oil exhibit.

Maybe they'll get chocolate "weapons of mass destruction" or a Dick Cheney candy coated pacemaker with matching plastic earrings from the gift shop when they leave.

So I didn't buy the King Tut chocolate head on a stick.

I bought a King Tut hat instead.

I'm on a diet.