Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Animals love me.....

When it comes to pets my entire knowledge of the pet realm is about dogs and sea life. By sea life I'm talking mainly goldfish and guppies but we did own a freshwater crab once.

It was the last pet we held hostage.

The crab was never really part of the family. Not like a dog or a cat or some bug the kids brought home. No this crustacean from hell spent its entire life trying to escape.

One night my wife and I were feeling amorous so I went to check on the kids to make sure they were asleep, a standard parental foreplay technique.

I crept naked down the hallway and sure enough they were both out like a light so daddy was feeling real good, real good, until I felt this dampness under my right foot. When you have boys this is never a good sign but you do tend to get used to it.

I looked down expecting to find a squished grape when out of the corner of my eye I spied the empty fish tank. Satan was loose. He had crawled up the ceramic castle the kids insisted he needed, propped up the lid and flung himself down to freedom.

I immediately dropped down to the floor to search for the fugitive when it dawned on me that I was naked in a room with something that has pinching claws. People, that is a fear unlike any other fear you will ever experience in your life.

I ran to our bedroom informed my wife what had happened then sprinted to the kitchen and grabbed a flashlight and a saucepan.

It seemed logical.

As a man I'm thinking I've still got a shot at sex if I can nab this little bastard without waking the boys.

As I run back by the bedroom I notice my wife is now standing naked on the bed with a shoe in her hand. I'm sorry but that will cause any man to stop. I walk into the bedroom with my flashlight and saucepan and in my best "how u doin" voice start to make my move.

The shoe hit me in the forehead and snapped me back into reality.

The crab had run down the hall and into my wife's closet. She caught a glimpse of him and grabbed the only weapon she could find handy, one of her Dolce & Gabbana black rhinestone heeled sandals.

The sound of the shoe hitting me on head and the subsequent commotion woke the boys and they both came running down the hall and into our bedroom to find... their father... bare ass naked on his hands and knees in the closet with a flashlight and a saucepan.

I think I may have scarred them for life.

My oldest son, who was eight years old, doesn't say a word. He walks into the closet and picks up the crab goes back down the hallway to his room and drops him in the tank.

Then he goes back to bed.

My youngest son, who was five at the time, wanted to know why we were naked and could he be naked too.

He also wanted to know if I was making hot chocolate.

My wife gives off a sarcastic, "my hero."

Needless to say it was not my lucky night.

That story leads up to this past Saturday.

When I was a kid my only pet was a dog, a white standard poodle named Trixie, so I got picked on a lot. But it made me stronger. You had to be tough to bring a white poodle named Trixie to a stickball game in an Italian neighborhood.

So dogs, I can handle dogs.

My oldest son moved back to San Diego from Boston on Friday. He brought his wife, his cat and...his pit bull.

A pit bull is way different than a white standard poodle.

They spent the night at our house and on Saturday my wife goes to our gym and my son and his wife go to sign the lease on their new apartment.

Leaving me alone...with a cat...and a pit bull.

But it was okay because my son left me a bag of doggy treats.

It wasn't a big enough bag.

I spent the first hour playing fetch by throwing a 30-pound rubber dog bone to "Cali".

Sweet name isn't it?

The cat just sat there looking at me like I was an idiot.

I spent the next two minutes giving "Cali" all of the doggy treats in the entire bag.

Actually I think she just ate the bag.

I was talking to this dog like I was a SWAT team hostage negotiator when it dawned on me...THE ANIMAL PLANET!!!

Why not? It keeps my grandson occupied.

So I turn the TV on and Animal Planet is showing an Orangutan give birth. Not my first choice but what the hell.

The dog jumps on to the leather couch and sits facing the TV and I swear is watching this show.

The problem was, I'm a man, I have the remote, "Cali" is a woman, and she just wants to watch one channel.

Trust me guys you don't want to piss off a female pit bull by channel surfing.

So I'm back to watching this Orangutan give birth....

That damn cat keeps staring at me.

I need a saucepan.

And more doggy treats.